Jessica Simpson Goes To Iraq

War is hell. But hearing Jessica Simpson sing “Take My Breath Away,” definitely is no picnic either. People.com reports:

Jessica Simpson took her act on the road Monday – and ended up outside Kuwait City.

“I am in Kuwait, I’m enjoying all the troops – having a blast,” she said. When it came to what she was doing over there, Simpson said she was “signing autographs, meeting them, showing all the support I can.”

The troops are in Kuwait in anticipation of being deployed to Iraq. Simpson was voted the act they most wanted to see.

They voted to see her? That means those guys are so horny they’d sit through a Jessica Simpson concert just to see her up close. I don’t think I’ve ever been that horny. Of course I’ve never had to hang out with a bunch of dudes all day, while I await being deployed into a war zone in Iraq. Closest I’ve come is getting a flat tire in bakersfield and waiting two hours for Triple A to get there.

If Jessica was any kind of patriot, in the middle of singing God Bless America, she’d remove her top and sing the rest of it while operating a jackhammer. That’s the least she can do for our troops.

Now, I looked closely at the picture above and realized that for some reason, a lot of the troops are looking slightly off to their left. I did some research and I found a picture someone snapped off, showing what they were looking at. Check it after the jump.

Continue reading…

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Jessica Simpson Hates Fat People

Let’s face it; being fat sucks.  You get all sweaty when you do stuff like play basketball or stand motionless.  But now, things just got a whole lot worse for our chubby brethren.

usmagazine.com reports:

Jessica Simpson’s father Joe is being sued by fitness video company Speedfit for allegedly blocking the sale of a DVD starring his daughter.

After signing a multi-million dollar contract, Jessica, 27 recorded a workout tape for Speedfit.  Jessica then changed her mind about doing the tape and her father banned its release.

I like that her dad bans the release of a workout tape, but he executive produces a show on MTV thats success depends upon making his daughter look like a complete and total dumbshit.

Now Speedfit owner Alex Astilean has filed suit against Joe after failing to secure a $10 million settlement from his daughter last year.

“They are hurting millions of fat people in America!” Astilean tells Usmagazine.com.

I love how this guy calls them “fat people.”  You’d think the guy trying to make money off them would go a little more PC and say overweight or something, but no, this guy calls them as he sees them.

Let’s be clear here, Jessica Simpson is not hurting fat people.  There’s two things hurting fat people.

1. Tyra Banks speaking on their behalf.
2. The fact that it’s legal to buy this:

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Jessica Simpson Not THAT Stupid

With the Cowboys playing the Giants this weekend in the divisional round of the NFL playoffs, one question was on everybody’s mind: Will Jessica Simpson come to the game and cause her boyfriend Tony Romo to play like shit?

Her rep tells usmagazine.com: “she is not attending. She is working on a new album.”

Here’s a pre-released copy of the cover:

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Now You Can Destroy Tony Romo

It’s common knowledge that Tony Romo can’t complete a pass if his favoritest vagina, Jessica Simpson, is in the stands. Now YOU can be his favoritest vagina by downloading a Jessica mask at RuinRomo.com. The gist of RuinRomo is that if a lot of people show up at a game looking like J-Simp, T-Ro’s loins will fire up and make him unable to drill his tight end. The only instructions are:

1) Buy Tickets to the next Dallas Game.
2) Print out this picture in Full Color.
3) Cut out eyes and head.
4) Paste or tape to a heavy piece of paper or cardboard.
5) Paste popsicle stick to bottom for easy handling.
6) Bring it to the game and let Tony know Jessica is there for him!
7) Celebrate after your team wins!

If you hate the Cowboys, it’s your duty to show up at the next Dallas game looking like a Hollywood whore. If you love the Cowboys, well, you’re probably a fatass Texan who could use makeover.

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