Jessica Simpson’s Dad Tries To Sell Her Engagement

It’s usually a mistake when you let your parents or relatives get involved in your money making ventures.  When I was twelve I had a lawn cutting business and my dad decided to come with me when I went door to door asking people if they needed their lawn cut, so he could “teach me salesmanship.”  What resulted was neighbors saying “I don’t need my lawn cut” and my dad responding with “Your lawn looks like shit.  Don’t be stupid, let the boy cut it.” which resulted in none of my friends being allowed to spend the night at my house.  I learned my lesson, but Jessica Simpson has not.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Tony Romo [is] angry at Jessica Simpson’s dad’s offers to sell their engagement.

Joe defends himself, telling Us, “It’s unfair to criticize me for what every manager does for his or her clients.

“And in this business, where people can quickly turn on you, who better than a parent to be working for his children?

I was waiting for the Usmagazine article to say “Right after that, a hole opened in the ground and Simpson lit on fire.  He descended in said hole while screaming “You haven’t seen the last of meeeeeeee!  Then the hole closed up, as if the earth consumed him,” then of course followed by “Do you think Joe Simpson is the Dark Lord Satan?  Vote on Usweekly.com’s poll!”

Dude, I don’t think there’s a level of creepy that’s been invented to properly describe Joe Simpson.  It’s beyond “Kevin Bacon in The Woodsman” creepy, which is a gold standard of creepy.  Like, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing Joe Simpson wouldn’t do to make money.  Like, if I saw this ad from him on ebay, would anyone be surprised?

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Ashlee Simpson Pregnant. With Baby.

I recently read Darwin’s “Origin Of Species” where he details natural selection and how only the strongest of the species will survive.  I’m pretty sure if he knew that not only did Pete Wentz impregnate a woman, but most likely that child will prosper as a wealthy individual and spawn children of its own, he’d grab his book and tear it the f*&k up.  People.com reports:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child,” they wrote on Wentz’s site.

I wonder if when they told Joe Simpson, the conversation went like this:

ASHLEE AND PETE: We’re having a baby!

JOE SIMPSON: Ka-ching!

ASHLEE: What did you say?

JOE SIMPSON: I said I’m so happy for you.

PETE: Really, because it sounded like you said “ka-ching” which is a sound people make when they’ve come in to a large sum of money.

JOE SIMPSON: Ha ha, no no.  I said “Cut Ching,” because I’m uh, my wife and I are dealing with our Asian neighbor Ching, and uh, I want her to…cut him.

(awkward silence)

JOE SIMPSON: Screw it.  I said Ka-ching.  I’m going to make millions of dollars off your baby.  Give it to me as soon as it comes out of your vagina.

I imagine we’ll be seeing a Christmas card like this in the near future

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Pete Wentz Invites Joe Simpson To Bachelor Party

You ever at the office on a Friday and you’re rounding up some of your friends to go grab a few beers when suddenly the really aggressive dude in sales is like “you’re getting brewskis?  Where we gettin brewski’s at?  Let’s get f*&kin hammered and bang some poon huh?”  Then everybody just kind of quietly cringes and looks at the floor instead of telling him he can’t come.  Well, I have a feeling this scenario played out with this bachelor party.  People.com reports:

Days before his wedding to Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz celebrated the end of his bachelor life with a night on the town in L.A.

The Fall Out Boy bassist started with dinner in a private room at Mr. Chow, accompanied by his bandmates, soon to be father-in-law, Joe Simpson, pal Joel Madden and about 10 other male friends.

On the creepy scale, Joe Simpson rates somewhere in between “guy caught masturbating in the public library” and “weird midget that used to travel with Pedro Martinez.”  There’s no way Wentz wants his creepy as father-in-law at his bachelor party but I’m sure he came because a)Wentz is an incredible pussy and b)If you don’t think Joe Simpson knows how to get the nastiest strippers, you would be mistaken.  Of course, I’ve seen how he stares at his own daughters, so you run the risk of the stripper coming and the scene looking like this:

Guess who has the boner between Wentz and Daddy Simpson.  Just guess.

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Ashlee Simpson’s Dad Likes Money A Lot

Remeber when you’d get into a fight with your dad because he’d walk into the living room naked when you were had friends over and when you’d tell him why that wasn’t cool he’d respond with “I ain’t wearing clothes around my house.  I grew up on a farm in Kentucky.  If you got sissy friends who are interested in seeing your dad naked, that’s your problem?”  No?  That was just me?  Hmmm.  Anyway, it could have been much worse.  Page six reports:

Joe Simpson, is trying to cash in on the baby-crazed trend in celebrity magazines - but he’s having a difficult time. A magazine source said, “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover.

Wait, it gets better.  Wait for it…waaaaait for it…..

“The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe.”

Niiiiice.  I imagine that photo shoot will be amongst the creepiest in history.  Probably on the level of “Serial Killer taking photos of bound and gagged victim right before torturing them to death.”  I’m imagining there’ll be lots of “all right, squeeze your titties up real high like for daddy just like he promised Usweekly you would.”

I think at this point, Joe Simpson is more than just assured a spot in the fiery pits of hell.  I think probably Satan just comes over to hang out with him, maybe play golf or something.

At first I was going to try and have Satan in all his glory, but somehow it just made me happier to think maybe Satan has to wear a suit and tie to work.  I’m losing my mind.

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