John Mayer Feels Bad He’s Doing Other Girls

I think every time John Mayer bangs a really hot chick, by law Dave Matthews should at least get an HJ from her as well since he created the “effeminate music guy who bangs tons of chicks because his vague lyrics make women think he’s talking just to them,” persona.  But I must say, Jon Mayer is taking it to new and exciting places.  Usmagazine.com reports that he came to the defense of Jennifer Aniston, the woman he just dumped, to a group of reporters.

“If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody,” the singer challenged. “Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met,” said Mayer.

Dude.  That was like the Braveheart speech except instead of getting a bunch of Scottish people pumped up to fight for their independence he got a bunch of vaginas pumped up to fight for his penis.  I feel like when he gave that press conference, this was going on:

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John Mayer Is Hiding Something

You see this car that would only be driven by a guy who is going through a mid-life crisis or trying to overcompensate for a serious case of flaming homosexuality? This is the car that 30-year-old John Mayer is driving around Los Angeles as you read this. He could have any car he wanted in the entire world and he decided to go for the baby blue and orange Ford GT with a big “6″ on the side. I’m a little speechless. I feel like this car is one of those signs we’ll all look back on and realize was such an obvious cry for help like Britney’s head shaving incident, Amy Winehouse’s drug arrest or Lindsay Lohan’s addiction to genitals (both male and female.)

On the upside, I would’ve really liked to have heard the conversation between John and the car salesman that sold him this hilarious piece of shit. Oh, I have it right here:

Salesman: So, I’ve showed you all of our Ferraris, Mercedes, BMWs, Jaguars, Lambourghinis and Lexus, but you don’t seem to like any of them.

John Mayer: Hey! What’s that over there!? That blue one!

Salesman: Um, I’m sorry Mr. Mayer, but that is our, ahem, “non-heterosexual” lot. I don’t think you’d want to be seen driving anything from over there. Especially since your new relationship with Jennifer Aniston…

John Mayer: Show me! Show me! Show me! It has baby blue! And a 6! It’s so pretty! I like orange!

Salesman: Mr. Mayer, please. You don’t want the public to get the wrong impression. How about a nice Porsche?

John Mayer: Hands off, sister! That car is all mine! Where do I sign?!?! I’m gonna drive it to Pinkberry RIGHT NOW!!!!

Salesman: [Sigh] Sign here.

John Mayer: Later bitch! [Speeds off.]

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John Mayer Bi-Sexual?

On the left is HILARIOUS comedian and sometimes musician John Mayer. On the right is either a show pig from the county fair that looks like a human, or a human from the county fair that looks like a show pig. Either way a) it deserves a prize and b) its name is Perez Hilton and it claims that it made out with John Mayer, which technically means John Mayer likes dudes. At least that’s according to the show pig. Usmagazine.com reports:

Celeb blogger Perez Hilton hit the airwaves Thursday morning to detail an alleged recent make-out he had with the singer.

“He is definitely bi,” Hilton declared on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show, adding that Mayer is “struggling with his sexuality.”

Of their liplock at NYC club Stereo last year, Hilton said, “He kissed me, and I kissed him back. It was on the mouth with tongue.

I wonder if when Perez Hilton told Ryan Seacrest that Mayer was bi, a loud “THUMP” was heard in Seacrest’s studio due to his sudden erection hitting the underside of the table he was sitting at.

As much as it might make sense that Mayer is bi, Perez’s story definitely does not make sense. If you’re John Mayer, you can pretty much have the pick of whatever gay dudes you want, that also don’t run celebrity gossip sites. It makes no sense he’d pick Perez Hilton. It’d be like me going to a fancy buffet in Las Vegas and asking the waiter, “What’s the least expensive thing I can eat here that will also give me diarrhea?”

Mayer’s rep tells Usmagazine.com, “This is all so ridiculous.” Simpson’s rep had no comment.

He may not have made out with Perez Hilton, but I saw a release of his new album cover, and I think he’s trying to tell us something.

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John Mayer Writes Secret Message

So, John Mayer (pictured here with one of many uber-hot chicks he did that proved to me there is no god) has a blog. And apparently on this blog, he writes notes to his fans and stuff and sometimes, he writes notes to chicks he used to bang that are now stalking him. People.com reports:

The 30-year-old singer-songwriter posted a cryptic message on his blog knocking an unnamed ex-girlfriend.

His musings:

Dear Ex Lover,

Perhaps you didn’t understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I’ll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don’t know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I’m done trying. I hope this is enough closure for you.

Goodbye

P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

Mayer insists there are no hidden messages.

Wow, that’s quite a pair of testicles he has to break up with someone through a blog post. Classy move. What the hell does “If you need me, you know how to find me,” mean? Who says crap like that? He’s like Jason Bourne, if Jason Bourne weighed 130 pounds and took one guitar lesson. Anyway, I didn’t believe for a second that there was no hidden messages, so I sent the letter away to be analyzed and after running a few tests, they discovered there was in fact a hidden message. Take a look for yourself. Put together the letters in red, they don’t lie.

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Carmen Electra’s Cleavage Honors John Mayer

Um, Cosmo honored John Mayer as their “Fun Fearless Man of the Year” last night. And while I don’t like John’s music, I did enjoy his work on the Chappelle Show. So I can see where the “fun” part of the “award” comes in. But “fearless”? I just don’t see it…Wait, nevermind. Why the hell am I even talking about this? It’s the stupidest award I’ve ever heard of in my entire life (and I won the “I Can Put My Feces On Anything” award in first grade. OK, I was in Grad School.) Anywho, Carmen Electra was there and here’s photos of her boobs.

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