I think this was originally the concept for Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” video. I didn’t even know Keeley Hazell was a singer. But then I realized that the equation for a successful singing career looks like this:
T x 120% + HB x 4500% = AS
T = Talent (scale of 1-100)
HB = Hugeness of Boobs (scale of 1-100)
AS = Albums sold (in hundreds)
Thus, using said formula, Sheryl Crow’s equation for her next album would look like this:
(T)90 x 120% + (HB)4 x 4500% = 1,810.8 AS
Whereas Keeley’s equation would be:
(T)4 x 120% + (HB)99 x 4500% = 44,554.8 AS
Special thanks to the folks at M.I.T. for spending the last few weeks on this.
Keeley Hazell is the English version of…enormous boobs. Apparently this London photo shoot is for some new men’s body spray. Which might explain why there are three googly-eyed statues standing behind her. Or it might not explain anything and leave you wondering why the hell there are three googly-eyed statues standing behind her with they’re hands raised like they are going to come to life and stab her. Way to go, English people. First you screwed up the empire and now you’ve screwed up your own version of enormous boobs. Now I see why we started our own country.
Where you’ve seen her:Keeley Hazell has been in Zoo magazine, but you’ve also seen her in FHM, the cover of Sony’s Formula 06 video game and…um…no, that’s about it.
Tantalizing trivia: Ooooh, wait, I know where else you’ve seen her. She was in this thing called a “sex tape” that she filmed with her boyfriend in 2006. And if you haven’t seen it, I’m sure typing “Keeley Hazell sex tape” into google might do the trick.
It’s an advertisers job to display their products in a way that makes it seem like you can’t live without them. But we decided we’d show you what they’d look like if they just told you the truth
(9)
Continue Reading...
