May 2nd, 2008 | 01:40
The Kentucky Derby isn’t just about stupid hats and bourbon drinking contests. It’s also about gambling away your child’s college/dinner money on one of the world’s dumbest animals. But, instead of breaking down the Kentucky Derby with hardcore analysis of favorites, fixed odds and furlongs, I’m just going to pick this year’s winner by analyzing each horse’s name. I’m pretty sure this is how the experts do it.
1. Cool Coal Man
Analysis: Coal miners usually aren’t very fast because they aren’t alive due to some horrific on-the-job explosion. Don’t bet on him.
2. Tale of Ekati
Analysis: Ekati backwards is “ITake.” If you add “Third Place” it spells out “ITake Third Place.” Bet on him to come in third.
3. Anak Nakal
Analysis: I came down with a pretty bad case of Anak Nakal after a trip to Thailand. (It still burns when I pee.) Don’t bet on him.
4. Court Vision
Analysis: Court vision is good for point guards and lawyers. If this horse played for the Bulls or had a law degree I would bet on him. He doesn’t, so don’t.
5. Eight Belles
Analysis: Have you ever talked to one of those old-fashioned southern belles for more than two minutes? It’s all cotillion this and you-can’t-have-sex-with-me that. One is bad enough. Eight is just suicide. No bets for this belle.
6. Z Fortune
Analysis: Z Fortune is for Z Losers. Don’t bet Z farm.
7. Big Truck
Analysis: Big Trucks reminds me of that big fat Robert “Tractor” Traylor. There are only two things fat people are fast at: eating and sweating. And since this is a horse race and not a sweating while eating contest, I say no to this one.
8. Visionaire
Analysis: This sounds like some new-age douchebag who’s into “concepts” and “patchoulie” and “not flushing his urine.” I hate you. No bets for you.
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gambling, horse names, kentucky derby
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