Britney Spears Likes Phone Sex

Here’s my problem with phone sex: I’m never exactly sure when a dirty question a girl asks is rhetorical or something she actually wants me to answer, so the few times I’ve tried it, I’ve ended up killing the mood because she’ll say  something like “How do you make me so wet” and I won’t answer because I think it’s rhetorical, but she’ll keep asking until finally I say “Um, I don’t know, probably a combination of things?”  MOOD KILLED.  But, apparently Kevin Federline is a lot better at it than me.    Starmagazine.com reports:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have been having weekly steamy phone sex sessions.

Recently, when Britney was having a sleepless night, she decided to call Kevin at nearly 2 a.m. While they initially chatted about their boys — Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months — the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out — with hours of erotic talk!

Wait, so, let me understand this.  They were talking about their children and the conversation shifted towards phone sex?  Wow, that’s impressive that they can shift like that.  Also very creepy.  How does that even work?  Does it go like this?

KEVIN: So, Jayden’s doing good.  He’s had a little rash on his bum bum but I put some cream on that.

BRITNEY: Oh yeah, you put some cream on his bum bum?

KEVIN: Yeah that’s right girl, I put some cream alllllll over his bum bum.  His bum bum was straight COVERED in cream, girl.

BRITNEY: Maybe you can put some of your cream all OVER my bum bum?

And then you can imagine where it goes from there.  He puts the cream on her bum bum.

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Kevin Federline Is A Tub Of Fat

So, apparently Kevin Federline has become fat.  And since previous to this he was a piece of shit, he’s now officially become the very catchy “Fat Piece Of Shit.”  Usmagazine.com reports:

Kevin Federline appeared to have packed on the pounds after hitting a Los Angeles Golf Course Friday.

But his ex Shar Jackson says his fuller figure is the result of being a full-time Mr. Mom.

“It’s daddy weight!” she tells usmagazine.com.  “When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can’t focus on you.

Daddy weight?  You can’t just start making up occupational reasons for being fat.  I can’t tell my girlfriend, “No, I’m not fat.  It’s just blogging weight.”  I can’t believe how fat Federline has become.  He looks like he’s using that golf club to pick up a donut hole he dropped.  At this rate, there’s no stopping his weight gain.  Here’s a photoshop rendering of what he’ll look like by 2010:

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Britney Spears Rushed To Hospital

Yawwwwnnn…um Britney Spears was…siiiighh…rushed to the hospital after a three hour showdown with her….(streeeeetch) ex-husband Kevin Federline. She was reportedly on some sort of…yaaawwwn…drugs. Or something. So, basically, I’m just letting you know that Britney Spears life hasn’t changed at all since the last time you heard about her.

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