What is Kim Kardashian hiding in her pants? Because I’m pretty sure it’s not an ass. No ass is that large (unless it’s on a 400-pound Jerry Springer contestant.) I’m guessing she’s hiding something like a car or a turbine engine or a gas grill or Wyoming back there. I’m afraid that one day we’re going to find out that Kim has been diagnosed with two 85-pound ass tumors and all that big, meaty sexiness in her behind will turn out to be something really unsexy like cancer or melanoma. Then the government would make September “National Ass Cancer Tumor Month” or some shit like that and we’d all have to go jog in 5ks for charity or wear ass-colored wristbands to help find a cure and then there’d be a telethon where celebrities sing songs for Kim and there would be a lot of “Ass Awareness” PSAs and…where was I? Oh, right, I hope that never happens.
Other Stuff Bert and Ernie are Superbad (gorillamask) Woman In Antarctica Opens Door To Hell (doubleviking) Drunken Heather Locklear Flashes Gang Signs (cameltap)
Jesus. Is everything on Kim Kardashian enormous? We all know she has an ass the size of Uranus, but who knew she had a rack the size of her ass? I did not. OK, well, I did, but that’s only because I watched a video of her having sex.
So, a cyclone hits Burma/Myanmar and kills upwards of 100,000 people and Kim Kardashian is like, “you know what would be really cool? To do a lighthearted PSA about it where I deliver scripted jokes about it then segue into me reciting scripted facts about it with my sisters.” Then she hired a couple writers from According to Jim and had them bang a script out for her. Kim Kardashian may be mentally retarded. And I’m not saying that as a joke, I’m saying seriously, she might be “wear a jacket and helmet with your name on it, have trouble eating peanut butter” mentally retarded. I’m going to go ahead and give just a few rules for making a PSA about any kind of disaster/tragedy that kills thousands of people. Here goes:
Don’t start the PSA with the same music that you’d use for a Disney style montage of someone getting ready for their senior prom.
Don’t start out with a joke where you confuse the name of the country where the disaster happened. “An earthquake rocked Uruguay and 100,000 people were buried alive in their homes.” “Did you just call me gay, haha?!” See, doesn’t work.
While reciting facts about government sponsored murders, avoid doing it in front of a mirror while trying on a dress and seeing if it’s adequately showing off your breasts.
Finally, some science I can get behind. According to Reuters.com:
CHICAGO (Reuters) - A type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually offer some protection against diabetes, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.
Kahn said he started the study to find out why fat located in different parts of the body seems to have different risks of metabolic disease such as diabetes.
Mice that got subcutaneous fat transplanted into their bellies started to slim down after several weeks.
“If we can capture those (substances), we might have an opportunity to convert them into drugs or use them as guides to help develop drugs,” he said.
Wow. I have seen the future and it is full of commercials for pharmaceuticals that will give the world slim waistlines and great big phat asses. It’s like we’ll all be living in one big hip-hop video…or Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. I can not wait. I wonder what they’re going to call these new drugs? Assiphlax? Derrivere? Viassgra? Whatever it’s going to be called, I think I finally have something to look forward to (besides Judge Judy reruns). Thank you, science.
I guess the first thing you do after Paris Hilton calls you a fatass is you go on a totally fun shopping spree…and you touch your boobs. At least that’s what Kim Kardashian appears to be doing. I wonder if she had to go for the boobs because she can’t reach her enormous ass. I guess we’ll never know.
I guess when you’re really famous for doing nothing, you get sorta pissed off when someone else gets more famous for doing even less. In Touch reports:
Paris Hilton has apologized to Kim Kardashian after insulting her former best friend’s most famous asset. “I would not want [Kim's butt] - it’s gross!” Paris told a Las Vegas radio show on April 14. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”
Cottage Cheese inside a trash bag? First of all, Paris Hilton has never taken a trash bag out of a trash container in her life. Therefore somebody had to have said that about Kardashian in front of Paris, then Paris asked that person what that looks like, forcing the person to explain the analogy in great detail to Paris, and when Paris still didn’t understand, they had to just go get a trash bag and fill it with cottage cheese and say “See. This. This is what I mean.”
Secondly, there’s no cottage cheese inside Kim Kardashian’s ass cheeks. To make sure, I snapped a picture of her ass with a special camera I have that let’s me see what’s in people’s ass cheeks. Take a look:
I’m not a very religious person, but I truly believe that each one of us has a gift. For example, Stephen Hawking was given the gift of intelligence. Michael Jordan was given the gift of athletic ability. And Kim Kardashian was given the gift of a hilariously huge ass. We shouldn’t take these gifts for granted. In fact, I think we should all take a moment to celebrate our differences and reflect on our own special gifts…by looking at photos of Kim’s great big round ass.
Remember when you’d go to the dentist’s office when you were a kid and there’d be a copy of Highlights Magazine on the waiting room table? And you were so bored that you thumbed through the whole thing? Well, that ...
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