December 13th, 2007 | 12:00
The Chicago Bears new starter tells you how to put hair on your face.
We knew Kyle Orton was good at drinking. And we knew Kyle Orton was good at holding a clipboard. But Orton’s true calling in life will be on full display for the entire nation this week when he goes against the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. I’m talking, of course, about that dead raccoon-like tuft of hair on his face known in most circles as a “neck beard.”
This fearless reporter caught up with Mr. Orton and got some insights into the glamorous world of beard growing. Here’s what the back-up to Rex Grossman’s back-up had to say.
Tip One: “Don’t shave.”
Those are Orton’s exact words. Maybe this isn’t going to be as hard as we thought.
Tip Two: Keep your (scraggly) chin up
“Don’t listen to the doubters,” Orton says. “And there will be many.” During his early stages of scruff, his nappy neck hair drew numerous insults from teammates in the locker room. Our tip: every time a friend uses the word “pubes” to describe your facial hair, replace it with “awesome” and convince yourself everybody thinks you look great.
drinking, Kyle Orton
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