Las Vegas Has The Fattest Slots Around

Dear People of Las Vegas,

Congratulations! In a nation packed full of big fat tubs of shit, you are the biggest and the fattest tubs of all! According to Men’s Fitness, you people are more disgusting than people who live anywhere else. I would like to be the first to commend you on inspiring all of us to get an extra heaping helping of mashed potatoes, to choose the motorized cart instead of walking around Wal-Mart, to courageously sit when all others stand. But while Vegas deserves our praise, let us not overlook Texas, which managed to win this year’s award for Fattest State (6 of the ten fattest cities! Way to go!) Apparently everything is bigger in the Lone Star State, including the fatasses who live there.

Love,

Holy Taco

For the full article and to find out how fat you and your neighbors are, click here.

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Porn Awards Fill Gaping Hole Left By Golden Globes

I would like to thank the AVN Awards for getting us through this difficult time. With no Golden Globes to tell me what $40,000 dress Lucy Liu is wearing, I wasn’t sure if there would be any point to go on living. But thankfully Adult Video News handed out their list of yearly winners to give me something to do. And what a show it was. There were a few upsets (could you believe that Ass Blasting Felching Anal Whores won for Most Outrageous Sex Scene?!?!? I couldn’t!) and a few losers (Elastic Assholes 5 was totally snubbed!). But in the end, it was a great evening. Here are the few shots from the red carpet…which was probably brown before the night was over.

Photos courtesy of NS4W.org.

 See the full list of winners after the jump.

Continue reading…

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Paris Hilton and K-Fed: Team Stupid

I’ve seen a lot of amazing pairings in my lifetime; Joe Montana and Jerry Rice, mint ice cream with chocolate chips, Daryl Hall and John Oates (Go F yourself, they kick ass). But this New Years, we have been blessed with a new pairing, according to people.com:

The unlikely duo of Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton caused heads to turn in Las Vegas over the pre-New Year’s weekend.

On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton’s room Saturday after leaving the club.

I know exactly how this meeting went down because I recently brought my dog over to somebody’s house who also has a dog. They just sort of smell each other for a second, then one of them takes a shit and they start humping.

Just in case you’d like to know what these two Mensa members talked about, I have a transcript:

K-FED: I like your room. It has a lot of shiny things in it.

PARIS: Yeah. I asked for a room with shiny things.

K-FED: That’s a good idea! I should do that. My room always has some shiny things, but not lots. Hey, do you have a place for me to make poop?

PARIS: Duh, of course. Hold on, I’ll get my assistant to bring you a trash bag.

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