Lauren Conrad Google Stalks

The internet is great for many things, like ordering wives from the Republic of Macedonia or researching the many ways to make a skin suit. But it can also be used for evil, like looking up dirt from someone’s past and throwing it in their faces. Seems that’s what Lauren Conrad does to everyone she dates. She’s the one who plays herself or a hooker or something on “The Hills” and she has admitted to googling her dates. From usmagazine.com:

Hills star Lauren Conrad admits she does background searches on her dates using Google.

“Yeah, [for] all of them!” she told the PopSugar network. “But I don’t believe everything I read though. I Google pictures to see ex-girlfriends and stuff.”

First of all, if she doesn’t believe everything she reads, why would she believe everything she sees? Has she never heard of photoshop? What am I saying, of course not. Regardless, this got me to worrying a little bit in case Lauren and I ever hook up (I said she was a hooker, but when has that ever given me pause?). I’ve only had 1.5 girlfriends in my life — the .5 being when a homeless woman licked my arm in TJ — but I was more concerned about the picture of me pre-surgery when my earlobes looked like mini-scrotums that might be floating around in cyberspace.

So to cover my ass, I went to Google Images and plugged in my name. After scrolling through the 6 pages of German porn images (seriously, NEVER give those sites your credit card), I came across a bunch of pictures that my name somehow inspired. Here are a select few:

I used to breastfeed and I went through a zebra ninja period for a while. And vikings are badass, but the other stuff makes me think I’ve been the victim of identity theft. Please God, let that be the answer.

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Lauren Conrad Loves John McCain

I’m undecided as to who I’m going to vote for. As of yesterday I was going to write in a vote for that ex-football player guy who played the RA in Saved By The Bell the College Years, just cause I think there were a couple situations with Zach and Slater going after the same girl that I thought he handled well. But now, with this new endorsement, this changes things. Usmagazine.com reports:

At the White House Correspondents’ dinner Saturday in Washington, D.C. Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson asked the crowd to cheer for which political party they want to win in this year’s presidential race.”I’m a new American so I’m trying to decide which party to vote for,” he said. “Should I vote for the Republicans?” Lauren Conrad “clapped wildly.”

Ferguson continued, “Or [should I vote for] the Democrats?”

At which point, “Conrad immediately placed her hands on the table and wrinkled her nose to her friend.”

I love that she made a stinky face when he asked who was voting democrat. That’s how I reacted when I graduated high school and my dad said “We should celebrate. Where’s the closest Red Lobster?” It’s good to know that that face can also be used to sum up her feelings on an entire political party. They should give her a show on MSNBC. I’d rather watch her than Keith Olbermann. Personally, I think if Lauren herself ran, she potentially could win. The only demographic she’d have trouble winning the support of would be African American voters, and I think a simple slogan that reaches out to them would solve that. Maybe something like this:

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Lauren Conrad Goes To White House

Normally, you have to have done something noteworthy to get an invitation to the White House, like be a war hero, or a nobel prize winner, or even a retarded kid who hit a bunch of three pointers in a high school game. The point is, you used to have had to do something. Now that’s changed. Usmagazine.com reports:

The Hills‘ Lauren Conrad is among the celebs on the list to attend the White House Press Correspondents Association Dinner on April 26.

Perez Hilton, another attendee, will be a guest of the Bloomberg financial network.

Oooh! The show pig is going! I can’t wait until I see an article in Usmagazine.com shortly after that says “Perez says Cheney gave him HJ.” Seriously, who makes the guest list for this f*&king thing? I imagine this was the thought process:

WHITE HOUSE GUY #1: Let’s see, we have two spots left for the correspondents dinner.

WHITE HOUSE GUY #2: Why don’t we invite that soldier who had his nuts blown off while saving eight of his men, and his wife who struggles every day to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives?

WHITE HOUSE GUY #1: Mmmm, sounds like a bummer. Oooh! I know! What about Perez Hilton and Lauren Conrad?

WHITE HOUSE GUY #2: Perfect! See, that’s why you’re you.

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Lauren Conrad Got Sorta Fired

I really love it when people continue to put out stories as if stuff that happened on “The Hills” is real life.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Despite reports, Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port weren’t given the pink slip by Teen Vogue.

“I just thought it was time for them to try something new,” Editor-In-Chief Amy Astley told Usmagazine.com

If you listen really closely, you can hear the sound of an MTV executive’s hand up this woman’s ass while they puppeteer her.  For the love of God, just admit that the show is fake and MTV decided they want LC and the other chick not named LC to do some other shit.  I mean honestly, them continuing to pretend it’s real is the equivalent of me walking in on my girlfriend blowing some dude and her turning to me and being like “Oh, hi honey, we’re just rehearsing for a play.”

Asked if the show is scripted she replied, “I think why they say all that is because there’s so much editing.”

Excuse me, people are not retarded.  We realize and understand the process of editing.  I’m not a dock worker in the 1920s.  I don’t shit my pants in amazement when they cut from one angle to the other.  People think it’s fake because:

• a) we’re expected to believe that Lauren Conrad would take an internship where she makes nothing even though she’s making 25Gs an episode from MTV.
• b) they cut to five different angles in a conversation yet we see no cameras even though it’d be physically impossible to not see any unless you did more than one take of a scene
• c) why the hell do I care so much?

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