Lindsay Lohan Steals Coats

See, it’s stories like these that make me not want to go outside in my 11,000 dollar coat.  People.com reports:

Masha Markova, a student at Columbia University, put down her $11,000 blond mink coat with other partygoers’ jackets at the Jan. 26 bash – and thought it was gone for good after she couldn’t find it at the end of the night.

But Markova tells the Post she was flipping through a February magazine when she saw Lindsay Lohan sporting the distinctive coat. “It was my coat. It was no doubt,” she said.

First of all, this chick is in college and she has an 11,000 dollar coat?  When I was in college I had a pair of sixty dollar shoes and when my roommate peed in them by “accident” one night, ruining them, I went into a deep depression and didn’t come out of my room for three weeks except once to watch the finale of Seinfeld and once to weigh in on whether the shit that was on our door step was human or animal.  So excuse me if I don’t feel one bit f-ing sorry for this whiny rich chick.

Secondly, it’s easy to be hard on Lohan for this, but you try figuring out which coat is yours when it’s dark and you’ve snorted a milk jug full of cocaine.  Yeah, not so easy is it?  But, this isn’t the first time Lindsay Lohan has stolen shit.  I found this picture on the interweb.

Ashlee Simpson is NOT going to be happy about that.

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Lindsay Lohan Got Wasted Again

I’m not sure why this is really news, but it seems like people are pretty interested in Lindsay Lohan’s drinking habits. I got out and get hammered all the time and the only people who seemed to care were the producers of A&E’s Intervention.

So, the story goes that Lindsay was out watching her possible lesbian lover Samantha Ronson DJing at a club when she decided to skip steps 1-12 of her 12-step program and chugged vodka and Red Bulls until 4am. And then she got in a car and looked like this. Looks like someone had more vodka than Red Bull.

via NS4W.org

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Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Slave Problem

See, it’s stories like this that make me appreciate that my dad calls me only when there’s something wrong with his “thing that plays those CD movies” or when a pitcher is currently taking a no-hitter into the seventh inning. Daily news reports:

Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, says his famous daughter is all set to do missionary work in India.

“Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims,” he tells In Touch. “She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along.”

What the hell is Lindsay Lohan going to say to child prostitutes in India? “Listen, being a sex slave is not cool. You should only have sex with dudes that have big weiners or have cocaine. In fact, a good rule is the bigger the weiner, the less cocaine he has to have and the more cocaine, the lesser the weiner.” Of course, Lindsay’s rep made a statement:

Unfortunately, says her rep, “per Lindsay, this isn’t true.”

Way to throw Lindsay under the bus, Michael Lohan. There’s no way you can’t look like an asshole when you make a statement saying you don’t want to help AIDS victims. It’s like walking past a homeless person on your way to the laundromat and telling them you’re out of change, even though every step you take sounds like a slot machine that’s paying out. Anyway, I don’t blame Lindsay. She would be so f-ing bored in India. Every picture you would see of her from there would look like this:

Editor’s note: Don’t bother writing in “That’s not India.” I know this isn’t India, but it was way easier to photoshop.

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Lindsay Lohan And Charles Manson: Together

Most people think Lindsay Lohan is crazy. But in the pantheon of crazy, she’s not even in the same league as Charles Manson. It’d be like comparing that autistic kid who hit all those three pointers to Michael Jordan. People.com reports:

Lindsay Lohan, has signed up to star in another film about a murderer – this time, it’s Charles Manson.

Lohan, 21, will play one of Manson’s cult followers, Nancy Pitman, in the movie Manson Girls.

Oh man, I hope she goes to the prison to meet Manson to research her role and then after a few weeks she releases some statement saying “I’ve grown really close with Charlie, and he’s shown me some far out stuff.” Then we see her at the premiere of the movie and she’s carved a swastika into her forehead and Ryan Seacrest tries to interview her and she kills him on the red carpet and writes “Seacrest Out” on his chest in blood.

Aaaaanyway, I wrote to Charles Manson to alert him of Lohan being in a movie about him, and here’s what he wrote back:

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Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Wants TV Show

This is what happens when you give Paula Abdul her own TV show.  Suddenly everybody asks for one and lazy executives say okay because reading scripts is annoying.  It’s like when one dog starts eating a pile of shit at the dog park; suddenly the other dogs see and assume it’s delicious and join in.   Then the lazy owners stand around shouting out their dog’s name in between turning to the other owners and saying “Bubbles never does this.”  Anyway, Page Six reports:

Lindsay Lohan’s Bible-thumping father has slammed his ex-wife, Dina, for her reality show “Living Lohan,” in which she features their youngest daughter, Ali.
But it turns out he’s got his own show he’s trying to sell. “He wants to do a male version of ‘The View’ with [fellow born-again pal] Stephen Baldwin. It’s not likely to happen.”

He wants to do a male view?  I could be down for that.  But I don’t want him or the fat Baldwin on it.  I think the female view has a good formula.  Let’s follow theirs.  We need four people like this:

• A person who’s out of their f-ing mind and repeats phrases like “this is what I’m sayin” over and over again, even though were not sure what they’re referencing they said.
• An old “journalist” with saggy genitalia
• A washed up comedian who’s freakishly ugly
• A complete idiot that’s attractive enough for the opposite sex to stare at when they start off sentences with “Here’s what I think…”

Without further ado, my Male View:

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Lindsay’s Dad Not A Fan Of Her Naked Pics

Sometimes when you’re a really shitty dad like Lindsay Lohan’s dad, and you don’t talk to your kids and instead get drunk and make pleas to see them on television and morning radio shows, you get really excited when you get to say stuff that you think good dads say.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Michael Lohan still hasn’t seen those topless shots of his daughter Lindsay.

“I’m not going to look at the photos - that’s my daughter!” said her father Michael Lohan.

Good for you Michael Lohan!  You sir, are a number one dad.  Here’s some other stuff Michael Lohan says he won’t do.

• Videotape his daughter having sex then sell the video for profit
• Shoot paint balls at his daughter from point blank range
• Light his daughter on fire

Man, what a dad!  In fact, I think he deserves a shirt!

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Lindsay Lohan Poses NUDE!

It’s happened people! It’s happened! Lindsay Lohan has showed her boobies! I’m feeling so many emotions right now: Happy, sad, confused, boner. Truth be told, I said a prayer for this a couple weeks ago, and now it’s come true. My prayer has been answered! Now if the guy who cut me off in traffic last week has has a possum bite his penis off, I’m going be really freaked out.

People.com reports:

Recreating Monroe’s legendary 1962 final photo shoot for Bert Stern with the veteran lensman himself.

When it came to being nude before the camera, “I was comfortable with it,” says Lohan, 21 - though Lindsay does admit to having done “250 crunches” the night before the shoot.

And by crunches she means “lines of cocaine.” Now, I know this isn’t a “hold-open-the-naughty-parts” Hustler type spread, but don’t worry. Tasteful nudes are gateway photo. First you start posing for them, and then you do a scene in a Werner Herzog film where Philip Seymour Hoffman teabags you, and before you know it, you’re in Barely Legal with a snake wrapped around your neck and some dude who looks like Luke Perry covered in pam spray is filling your tank.

To see the rest of the NS4W pics, click here.

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Eva Mendes Loves To Do Drugs

They tried to make Eva Mendes go to rehab and she said, “No no…” oh wait. She said “yes yes yes.” According to DailyStab.com:

Eva Mendes has entered rehab for substance abuse.  She is at the famous Cirque Lodge, near Sundance where Lindsay Lohan stayed. And she’s been there for several weeks already, WOW!  We wish her the best. 

Her rep says: “Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva’s privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details.”

To me, “proactively attending to some personal issues” usually means drinking straight from the Heineken Mini Keg in my fridge. But if she’d prefer to go to a spa instead of waking up on the floor of her tiny apartment wearing one pant leg and half a condom, then good for her.

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Lindsay Lohan Sees Dead People

According to an article in people.com today, Lindsay Lohan’s going to the morgue!

After fulfilling several requirements set by her DUI plea agreement - including rehab, community service and 84 minutes spent in jail - Lohan will next have to spend some time in a morgue, in an effort to illustrate the potentially fatal consequences of drinking and driving.

Here’s what’s going to happen: She’s going to tell her lawyer, “Pfft, They’re not gonna make me go to no morgue.” Then, at night, while she’s sleeping, she’ll be awoken by three ghosts. The first two will show her her past, i.e. scenes of her doing cocaine off dudes weiners and putting said weiners in her mouth. These images will slightly affect her, but not really. But then, the third ghost will take her to the morgue and show her an unnamed body bag, and when she pulls it back…

She’ll wake up screaming and it’ll be morning. She’ll run to her window, lean out, and yell to a nearby boy below:

LINDSAY: You there, what day is this?!

BOY: January 19th.

LINDSAY: Christmas Day?! Here’s a shilling, buy me the biggest goose you can find!

(tosses something down to the boy)

BOY: (looking at it) Ew, gross, this is a used condom, you’re f*&king sick!

And… scene.

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Lindsay Lohan is all “I have a boob. Look at it.”

Click to enlarge.

According to the Sun, Lindsay Lohan likes to leave out the underwear part of getting dressed. Apparently, LL aired out her areolas while walking around LA this past weekend. This photo doesn’t seem too nipple-icious to me, but I wear the same bi-focals as Stevie Wonder, so I’ll let you decide for yourself. According to the report:

Lindsay Lohan has given up a lot of things for good since rehab - and it seems her bra may be one of them. Famous for leaving her underwear at home in the past, Lindsay is showing no signs of changing her ways as we approach 2008. Li-Lo was on her way to dinner at Koi restaurant in LA when she was snapped by an army of paps. Her thin sheer top was too weak for their flashes, though, which showed off her lack of support.”

    

X17online.com

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