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Practical Advice for the Creepy Lovelorn Female Shower Head Guy

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I feel like I can offer this young man some advice on making his relationship work. Even though I’ve never before dated a shower head wearing nothing but a nightie and the face of Satan, I’m going to assume they’re not too differen…

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Holy Taco’s Last Minute Valentines

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Print ‘em and give ‘em away to your loved ones!

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Valentine’s Day Q&A With Yahoo! Answers

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Today is the day you’re supposed to tell your girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, how much you like them, hoping desperately they take the hint and willingly put your genitals in their mouth; maybe even in other holes, if you play your cards r…

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Elder Scrolls: Skyrim Has Made Me Want To Grow Up, Settle Down, And Get Married

Skyrim Marriage

Last week, I wrote about how I was saying my goodbyes to my loved ones and getting my affairs in order, as I was about to embark on an epic journey through a newly released video game called Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Today, as a bit of a follow-up, …

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How a Kardashian Understands Love

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This week’s big news for people who can’t stomach news that affects real people in any appreciable way is the divorce of Kim Kardashian from her man-Kardashian. After a rollercoaster 72 days and several million dollars worth of passion, it is to b…

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Muammar Gaddafi’s Love Letter to Condoleezza Rice

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Dearest Condoleezza,   Today is a great day in the history of mankind. Today will be written of in the books of historians wherever they roam and it will be spoken of in the streets and homes and wherever people gather to be in awe of great t…

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Experiencing Love, Sex, and Parenthood Through Creepy Japanese Robots

Dental Training Robot

It seems every week another video is released featuring a far-too-realistic robot that was created, presumably, by a person that hates real humans so much that he or she has taken to creating their own robo-army of soulless, dead-eyed friends. Sur…

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The Marketing Meeting To Decided How To Package The Guidette Love Doll

The Marketing Meeting To Decided How To Package The Guidette Love Doll

Charles: Alright, so, the next item on the list is the Guidette Love Doll. Now, we have the box art squared away: a girl that, even though she looks like a whore, looks significantly less whore-ish than Snooki, which I think is a compliment, and a …

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A Letter To The 62-Year-Old Grandmother Who Had 200 Sexual Flings In The Past 2 Years

A Letter To The 62-Year-Old Grandmother Who Had 200 Sexual Flings In The Past 2 Years

Why, hello, there, 62-Year-Old Grandmother That Had 200 Sexual Flings In The past 2 Years. How are you on this fine day? Sore, I assume – sore from all of the sweet, sweet sexual satisfaction you’ve been given by the 30 and 40 years old…

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Inner Monologue of a Guy on a Blind Date

Inner Monologue of a Guy on a Blind Date

Shit. I’m early.  I showed up early for a blind f*cking date.  Is that good or bad? I really have no idea what the etiquette is for this type of thing. Should I go in? I shouldn’t go in.  Maybe I should. I dunno.  Joh…

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A Flowchart to Determine How Your Valentine’s Day Will End

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For many people, Valentine’s Day is the most confusing day of the year.  We stress about what gifts to buy and how much money to spend, because we know that if we screw anything up, there’s a chance that we might not have sex that n…

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