Mariah Carey First Pitch - Watch more free videos

I've seen some pretty bad pitches in my time (Jose Lima's comes to mind), but Mariah Carey really proves that she can not, in an way, throw a baseball. Perhaps her 4-inch stilettos got caught in the dirt. Or maybe her 2-inch shorts were riding up her ass. Whatever the reason for her poor throw, it seemed like the forgiving Japanese fans and players were willing to overlook her blunder.

There's two things I fear in life; this old neighbor I used to have that told me on two different occassions that sometimes he "wished he could just wear my face," and people screwing with me while I'm taking a crap.  Mariah Carey only has to worry about one of those.  Exposay.com reports:

Mariah Carey reportedly demanded a guarded private toilet during her wedding reception.

The 'Touch My Body' singer - who secretly married rapper Nick Cannon in the Bahamas on April 30 - is said to have specifically asked for the exclusive facilities at Los Angeles' Six Flags Magic Mountain Theme Park on Tuesday night.

You know, normally I tend to get a little riled up at the pampering of celebrities, but if I was rich, I swear to God I would have bodyguards with me just to stand outside while I shit.  There is NO more vulnerable time for a human being than when they're shitting.  Think about it, take the most badass person you can think of, Chuck Norris, Bruce lee, whoever.  Then imagine you attacking them right in the middle of them taking a shit.  Yeah, that's right, you probably win that fight because NO ONE, not Norris, not Lee, wants to get up from the pot while they have a shitty ass.  So basically, I feel Mariah on this one.

Anyway,  this got me to thinking.  Mariah hasn't had a good movie in....well, she's never had a good movie.  And this sounds a lot like another movie that was incredibly successful.  And we all know how much studios like to make sequels to movies, so I can definitely see something like this:

I used to have this really nice golden retriever, and then it got old and blind and starting shitting while it walked and running into stuff.  Then one day I came home and my mom had taken it to get a bath and a hair cut and she was like "See, Bailey is like she's three again!" and right when she said that Bailey took a shit on my mom.  My point is, when things get old and crazy, there's no going back no matter how many baths or haircuts they get.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have wed.

The two got hitched in a small ceremony on an island Wednesday, according to the magazine. They quote a source as saying it was "very implusive."

Nick Cannon what in the hell are you doing?  You're 27 and from what I hear you're in movies and chicks want to do you.  Why in the hell are you marrying a batshit crazy, 38 year old Mariah Carey?  It makes no sense.  It'd be like winning the lottery then immediately buying the first used Delorean that showed up in an Autotrader search.

Much like a Michael Bay film, this is going to be incredibly pointless and end terribly.  But the worst part for Nick Cannon is that Mariah Carey has reached a level of crazy that makes her capable of anything.  You remember the movie Misery?  You remember that shit?  Yeah, well, take a look, this photoshop scared ME while I was making it.

Mariah Carey doesn't like to talk when she's on vocal rest. So, being the brain-genius that she is, she's hatched a plan to use the famed physicist's voice machine to make sure all her important messages get across. According to Female First:

She said: "Before a big show I have to do 'vocal rest' where I'm not allowed to speak for two days. It's so boring having to write notes to everyone! I need Stephen Hawking's voice machine for when I'm on vocal rest.

"I'd like a machine where I can just think and it comes out in a robot voice - that would be amazing!"

How important could Mariah's messages be? I put together a sample robot voice so we can all get a feel for how Mariah would probably use it. Click here to hear it.