Everybody has one friend that has that "I never grew up, I'm just like my kids!" parent. Those parents always seem cool when they're not yours. But if they are yours, it's not as cool when they try to give you the sex talk and be "on the level" and end up telling you a 25 minute story about the time they gave some dude at the fair a BJ in a port-a-potty. I'm thinking Matthew McConaughey has one of those parents. Usmagazine.com reports:

In her new book, I Amaze Myself! (iamazemyself.com), Kay McConaughey dishes on everything from her son Matthew’s conception to how her husband died in a compromising position with her!

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

I imagine Matthew McConaughey reading that last quote in his living room, then turning to his girlfriend and going "We're not having sex tonight.  Probably not tomorrow night either."

Saying someone died during sex doesn't really say how they died.  Like, for instance, I'm imagining he died right after sex, like this:

I'm starting to think that the real Matthew McConaughey died about five years ago in like, Bali or somewhere in South America, while searching for something like that blood orchid thing that Taye Diggs was looking for in the sequel to Anaconda.  And since he was a bankable star, the studios hid his death and built a robot that looks exactly like him. And in the computer chip that runs the robot, they replaced normal words with the McConaughey versions. Like, instead of saying happy, the McConobot says "stoked." Then every fifteen seconds it talks about how "awesomely unbridled life is." This is what I believe, because I refuse to believe an actual adult human being talks like this:

In January PEOPLE's former Sexiest Man Alive announced the couple were expecting on his website. "Camila and I made a baby together...," he wrote at the time. "We are stoked and wowed."

Now they had the baby, which is just a complete and total double stoked wow.

Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend of two years Camila Alves have welcomed a son Monday night

I wonder if when they went clothes shopping for the baby, they bought him shirts.

In the game of life, being dealt the card of "son of Matthew McConaughey and a hot model," is not too shabby.  You gotta listen to a bunch of his cosmic bullshit, but you're going to be rich, really attractive, and have the very, very best weed.  Plus, when you're 24 and busy praying for a second penis because you're doing so many chicks, you don't have to worry about McConaughey busting your balls about getting a job, because even if he does, you can use that same cosmic bullshit on him and be like "That's the train to unstokedville, Dad.  That's just the world trying to make me into a dude that's there to fire the pistons, man."  And he'll purse his lips and give you a big ass bear hug and then light up a joint.

Anyway, I followed McConaughey home from the hospital, and was shocked when I saw his baby:

Holy shit. This is such an egregious act of douchebaggery I can't even begin to explain. This commercial is to being a douchebag, what Tiger Woods winning the Masters by 12 strokes was to Golf. This is insane. I love how at the end of it, McConaughey takes off his tuxedo shirt to reveal he doesn't even wear an undershirt under his tuxedo, then he sits on his couch and you think he's escaped the paparazzi, only to see once the shirt is off, a bunch of flash bulbs go off. And instead of McConaughey being like "What the-?! What are all these paparazzi doing in my apartment like they're throwing me a f-ing surprise party?," he just smiles. And it's not some smile like "this is awkward." No no. It's a smile that's a cross between "nine strippers are going to blow me in a couple minutes" and "hey check it out, TBS is broadcasting a marathon of Cheers." I can't even believe how douchey this is. I bet even Dane Cook watched this and was like "Wow, that McConaughey is a douchebag."

Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend Camila Alves are expecting a child, according to people.com:

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together," McConaughey writes.  "It's 3 months grown in her womb"

Really?  They made it together?  She didn't magically create sperm from a witches spell and put it in her vagina?  And who the hell says "It's 3 months grown in her womb?"  That's it, I officially hate Matthew McConaughey.  I used to make excuses for him like "maybe he does wear shirts, they just always take pictures of him in the morning before he puts one on," and "maybe he's not a no-talent douche, he just doesn't do well when movie cameras are on him," but now, I'm through making excuses.  Maybe I'm being too harsh though.  Let's hear what else he said:

McConaughey adds in the message he wrote: "Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution."

He signs his message, "Wow, McConaughey."

Ladies and Gentleman, I think that qualifies as....