Megan Fox Makes Out With Strippers

I was watching the movie Predator the other day and I started thinking, “I wonder how they came up with the Predator.” Like, I kinda think it was a bunch of people in a room and they had a picture of him up on a screen and were like “okay, I think we’ve done it. I think we’ve made the most bad ass movie character of all time. He looks super awesome, he’s got a gnarly weapon that hangs out on his shoulder and blows shit up, he’s got dreads. I think our work here is done.” Then everybody was packing up their stuff and getting ready to leave and one guy was like “Wait.” and everyone paused for a moment and he said “What if….he was invisible.” Then it was super silent for a moment and then one guy starts slow clapping and everybody joins in. I bring that up because when I see Megan Fox, she seems like there’s no way she could be hotter, and then all of a sudden she says some shit like this:

The 22-year-old actress, reveals in October’s GQ that she once had a fling with a female stripper named Nikita.

The romance began when she was 18 and first living in L.A.

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided - oh man, sorry, mommy! - that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop,” Fox said. “I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.

I don’t know how I feel about this. It’s almost like it’s so awesome, it’s kind of too awesome. Like when I was fourteen and realized that I could rent porn from the video store if I used my brother’s account, then ended up losing one of the pornos and the store called my parents and asked them when my brother was going to return “Buttslammers 9.” That ended poorly for me.

There’s no way Megan Fox actually says shit like that. Too perfect. I watched that shitty Eddie Murphy movie where there’s little alien people inside his head that run a computer that tells him what to say, and I think the plot of that godforsaken piece of crap is more plausible then her actually having made out with a stripper. I forsee a group of old white people shrunken down and inserted into her head with a computer, deciding what she says.

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Megan Fox Had Enough Brian Austin Green

You ever hear stories about alcoholics who one day wake up in a pile of their own shit and vomit and something just clicks in their head and they realize “what the hell am I doing?” Well, replace “shit and vomit” with “Brian Austin Green” and I think that’s basically what happened with Megan Fox.  Celebedge.com reports:

Megan Fox has sent letters to her business associates announcing she’s called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green. Hopefully she let him know too.

The 22-year-old decided “she’s too young to marry him,” according to a source referenced by Contact Music.

To this day I have no idea how Brian Austin Green landed Megan Fox.  I got the same feeling of confusion and disgust when I first looked at them together that I got when I was four and walked in on my parents having doggy style sex.  In both cases I cried for several minutes and needed a fruit roll up and a capri sun  to calm me down.

I think the big thing here is that Megan must not have understood how hot she was.  Hollywood is all about how you look.  Hence, if you take the hollywood actress scale of hotness and give megan fox a 9 or so, you can see, she should at least be giving George Clooney HJs.  Take a look:

Thanks to reader Dr. Strangepork for alerting me to this article.

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Megan Fox Loves Her Some Sex

I think this little quote from Megan Fox will help you get through your long, tedious day…

“I really enjoy having sex, and that’s offensive to some people. Women are the quickest to call other women sluts, which I think is sad. I haven’t met a lot of men who have said, ‘You like having sex? What a dirty whore you are.’ I’m young and have a lot of hormones—I’m always in the mood! But I like sex with one person when I’m in a relationship. Sex with random people who I’ve met at clubs is not really my thing. I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I’d rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He doesn’t mind.”

…or maybe it will make you want to kill yourself because Brian “Don’t Call Me Austin” Green is somehow the recipient of the world’s hottest girl who also happens to be a sex freak. The world is a cold and cruel place.

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Megan Fox Has A Huge Fox

I’m not sure if having a huge fox is a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s pretty clear that Megan Fox has a pretty big fox. I mean, just look at it. Its (mouth is) totally gaping wide open. It looks tired and red. Hell, she needs two hands to even hold it up.

To be honest with you, I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a bigger, redder or gaping-er fox on a woman in my entire life. And I watch porn. (Fox is slang for “bushy-tailed carnivorous mammal with a pointed muzzle found in much of the norther hemisphere, central America and central asia,” right?)

via hollywoodtuna.com

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Megan Fox Likes To Finger

Either Megan Fox lost all of her fingers except the middle, or she’s trying to make some sort of gang sign to the dude with the camera. I hope this gang sign means, “For some reason, I’m dating Brian Austin Green. I’m not enough to date pretty much anyone I want. Please help.”

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Taco Belle: Megan Fox

Age: 21

Where you’ve seen her: You’ve seen Megan Fox in Transformers, your wet dreams, your dry dreams, and any other dreams you might have.

Tantalizing tidbit: She has more tattoos than your drunken stepdad. She’s also engaged to Brian Austin Green who’s, like, 50 years older than her and wasn’t even the cool one on 90210. If she was getting it on with Dylan, or even Steve, I’d be way more OK with it.

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Megan Fox Hates Shirts

Megan “Foxy” Fox (I made that nickname up all by myself) appears to be missing a shirt in the Japanese version of Rolling Stone. You can’t see her nipples, but you know they’re there, cupped just under the soft caress of her hands…sorry. Why does Rolling Stone Japan get this and we don’t? Didn’t we make her a big star with that Transformers movie? Aren’t we owed something? (Please send everything we’re owed to HolyTaco.com. We will share it with the appropriate people.)

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