Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Slave Problem

See, it’s stories like this that make me appreciate that my dad calls me only when there’s something wrong with his “thing that plays those CD movies” or when a pitcher is currently taking a no-hitter into the seventh inning. Daily news reports:

Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, says his famous daughter is all set to do missionary work in India.

“Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims,” he tells In Touch. “She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along.”

What the hell is Lindsay Lohan going to say to child prostitutes in India? “Listen, being a sex slave is not cool. You should only have sex with dudes that have big weiners or have cocaine. In fact, a good rule is the bigger the weiner, the less cocaine he has to have and the more cocaine, the lesser the weiner.” Of course, Lindsay’s rep made a statement:

Unfortunately, says her rep, “per Lindsay, this isn’t true.”

Way to throw Lindsay under the bus, Michael Lohan. There’s no way you can’t look like an asshole when you make a statement saying you don’t want to help AIDS victims. It’s like walking past a homeless person on your way to the laundromat and telling them you’re out of change, even though every step you take sounds like a slot machine that’s paying out. Anyway, I don’t blame Lindsay. She would be so f-ing bored in India. Every picture you would see of her from there would look like this:

Editor’s note: Don’t bother writing in “That’s not India.” I know this isn’t India, but it was way easier to photoshop.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Wants TV Show

This is what happens when you give Paula Abdul her own TV show.  Suddenly everybody asks for one and lazy executives say okay because reading scripts is annoying.  It’s like when one dog starts eating a pile of shit at the dog park; suddenly the other dogs see and assume it’s delicious and join in.   Then the lazy owners stand around shouting out their dog’s name in between turning to the other owners and saying “Bubbles never does this.”  Anyway, Page Six reports:

Lindsay Lohan’s Bible-thumping father has slammed his ex-wife, Dina, for her reality show “Living Lohan,” in which she features their youngest daughter, Ali.
But it turns out he’s got his own show he’s trying to sell. “He wants to do a male version of ‘The View’ with [fellow born-again pal] Stephen Baldwin. It’s not likely to happen.”

He wants to do a male view?  I could be down for that.  But I don’t want him or the fat Baldwin on it.  I think the female view has a good formula.  Let’s follow theirs.  We need four people like this:

• A person who’s out of their f-ing mind and repeats phrases like “this is what I’m sayin” over and over again, even though were not sure what they’re referencing they said.
• An old “journalist” with saggy genitalia
• A washed up comedian who’s freakishly ugly
• A complete idiot that’s attractive enough for the opposite sex to stare at when they start off sentences with “Here’s what I think…”

Without further ado, my Male View:

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Lindsay’s Dad Not A Fan Of Her Naked Pics

Sometimes when you’re a really shitty dad like Lindsay Lohan’s dad, and you don’t talk to your kids and instead get drunk and make pleas to see them on television and morning radio shows, you get really excited when you get to say stuff that you think good dads say.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Michael Lohan still hasn’t seen those topless shots of his daughter Lindsay.

“I’m not going to look at the photos - that’s my daughter!” said her father Michael Lohan.

Good for you Michael Lohan!  You sir, are a number one dad.  Here’s some other stuff Michael Lohan says he won’t do.

• Videotape his daughter having sex then sell the video for profit
• Shoot paint balls at his daughter from point blank range
• Light his daughter on fire

Man, what a dad!  In fact, I think he deserves a shirt!

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