March 27th, 2008 | 01:30
Bigfoot Molested Me - Watch more free videos
Gene Morrill was convicted of 20 counts of sex crimes involving minors. At his sentencing he decided to tell the court that the reason he molested all those kids was because Bigfoot (the mythical missing link, not the kickass monster truck) had molested him when he was younger. This all makes sense, except for one small, minor detail: even if Bigfoot molested him, it doesn’t give him the right to molest other kids.
I mean, if you’re not worried about using “real” things in your lie, shouldn’t you make up an excuse that might actually get you off? Why not tell the court “It couldn’t have been me because I was in 14th Century Prussia on the day in question.” or “I am allergic to eight-year-old penis, your honor.”
I’m not even going to get into how awesomely serious the reporter takes this story. (She actually says, “There has never been a report of physical contact between a Bigfoot and a person.” after talking to The Bigfoot Field Research Organization.) That’s a nice little bonus to this video.
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