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Three Movie Premises With Even Worse Pseudoscience than “Lucy”

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No matter how good Lucy’s story is, and no matter how soothing Morgan Freeman’s voice may be, it all falls apart because the basic premise (we only use 10% of our brains!) is total bullshit. The writers, producers, and director have to k…

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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: April 26th

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A few years ago, couldn’t say when exactly, May really became the month when studios started ushering out the big blockbusters. Summer has always been the season of huge film releases but the date of the year’s first big tentpole seems to always fa…

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: April 19th

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We’ve all had a week to recover from none of us seeing Scary Movie 5, so that’s good. In what was a surprise to no one, that movie sucked and is making shit money. I don’t understand how people keep throwing money at shitty ideas like that. I wil…

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: April 5th

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Last week I watched John Dies at the End, which you can now see on DVD or Blu Ray. I have nothing much else to say about movies in theaters. I’m sure they were all wonderful and thought provoking and interesting and not shitty. Did GI Joe open? …

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 29th

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The Croods owned the box office last week because a big cartoon tentpole is always sure money. People go see animated releases now because Pixar is all artsy fartsy and you’re almost considered somehow now a film fan if you don’t sit through someth…

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 22nd

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I honestly never remember what I wrote about the week before without looking and this week I refused to check. I think last week Oz won again even though it opened the week before. Oh, Burt Wonderstone opened last week. Yeah, no one saw that. On…

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 15th

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Last week audiences were whisked away to Oz and from the looks of things this week we’re about to be whisked away to a placed no one gives a shit about. Yeah, it’s another slow looking week of shrugs and turds but there may be one or two gems in th…

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The 7 Worst Films I Have Ever Seen

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There’s much to be said about the “worst” thing ever. The worst band, worst food, worst TV show, worst venereal disease. It’s a whole thing and often is rife with hyperbole. I could right now say that Michael Bay makes the worst movies ever, but …

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 8th

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Last week I actually saw Jack the Giant Slayer and it should be used to teach future generations about mediocrity. I’m as sour as an old spinster when I write these, aren’t I? Just crusty and unhappy about everything. Curse you Hollywood, make st…

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8 Characters You Need in a Wes Anderson Film

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Because I watched Moonrise Kingdom the other day and realized Wes Anderson has a wide/limited vision of filmmaking, let’s examine what goes into a Wes Anderson character. He makes quirky, critically adored movies that are chock full of thoughtful mo…

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 1st

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Last week was all snitches and dark skies and who cares about any of that? No one, that’s who. Movies this time of year seem kind of lazy overall, like everyone knows the summer movie season is on the way, which really starts in May, so it’s like …

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb. 22nd

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Last week, Bruce Willis fisted the competition into submission just as we all knew he would. You could film Bruce Willis trying different brands of spray-on hair for two hours, call it Die Hard and a Side of Flap Jacks and it’d still be number one …

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