A lot of things can drive a person towards becoming a prostitute. One of them is having to listen to this God awful song more than once. I listened to half of it and considered auctioning off my butthole on ebay to pay for that surgery that Arnold Schwarzenegger got in Total Recall just to erase the memory of this song. Spitzer’s girl is the one wearing the black tank top with the dark hair. Again, I must say, I think she’s attractive. But I might only think that because I was distracted by the intensity and passion of the rapping going on. Or maybe it was the fact that this video looks like it was shot on a camera phone that was covered in bird shit. Hard to say.
Look, I like Barack Obama but for the love of God, he didn’t create the universe. I was half way expecting to see someone saying “I had third degree burns over 90% of my body. Barack Obama gave me his feces and I rubbed it all over my skin and the next day… my skin was like a baby’s ass.”
I love how they fit every single ethnicity into this video. I’m disappointed there wasn’t an eskimo dude in a parka holding a harpoon standing next to one of those dudes from Apocalypto, both chanting “O-BA-MA. O-BA-MA.” It’s really fortunate for Barack that his last name has three syllables. It doesn’t have the same ring to it when you chant “MC-CAIN, MC-CAIN.” Sort of just sounds like you’re chanting Mick Cane, which sounds like the name of a crusty longshoreman in New Jersey.
So, this is the music video for the single off Heidi Montag’s new album. The song is called “Higher.” To watch this video and call it shitty, would be like watching someone eat a baby then tell them they were being “uncool.” Popsugar.com reports:
Apparently Spencer Pratt [Heidi’s boyfriend] directed the video himself.
Really? Because I could have sworn someone super glued a camera to the head of a Golden Retriever and then rubbed carne asada all over Heidi’s ass. It felt like I was watching the start of a really crappy porno. I kept waiting for a lifeguard to walk over to her and tells her “beach is closed” and for her to respond with “but my legs are open,” and then nasty-ass sex commencing. This is just shameful. Spencer Pratt is like Martin Scorcese if his brain was filled with Diarrhea.
Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We’re not saying we’re cool, we’re just saying if you own any of these items, you’re not.
(19)
