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Out With the Weird, In With the Angry: Why It’s Time For a Gritty Reboot of Al Yankovic

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Weird Al’s shtick is more formulaic and predictable than a Taco Bell cookbook. He’s that wacky uncle who won’t quit cracking jokes, even when everybody else is focused on politics, war, the crumbling economy, and death, like normal…

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How to Write a Nickelback Song

nickelback in red shirts

So you’ve decided that rock n roll is officially dead and, rather than mourn or attempt to resurrect the old girl, you want to take some of the sinew from its carcass and floss your ass with it after a long, sweaty work out, good for you! The ente…

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Billboard’s Top 10 Singles: A Holy Taco Rundown

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Billboard is you number one source for finding out what flavor of musical pablum people are choking down, aside from the Grammy’s. Rather than try to devise our own list of generic radio-friendly beats, we let Billboard do the work for us so…

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Hey Sixteen-Year-Old Reader, Justin Beiber Has a Better Life Than You!

Hey Sixteen-Year-Old Reader, Justin Beiber Has a Better Life Than You!

Say what you want about his music, but when it comes to life, Justin Bieber’s winning.  At just sixteen years old, Bieber has already topped you. He’s had two chart-topping albums and a string of hot girlfriends. His awful, swooping, lego-man hair…

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5 Christmas Rap Songs That Will Get You Laid (in a Bad Neighborhood)

5 Christmas Rap Songs That Will Get You Laid (in a Bad Neighborhood)

Christmas music exists so Staples has something to make you want to leave the story during the month of December. Somehow they get their hands on playlist of about 1000 “different” songs, which are really about 100 songs, but 10 different versions…

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How to Write a Ke$ha Song

How to Write a Ke$ha Song

So you’ve decided you want to prove poor genetics, a bad upbringing and a distinct lack of social graces aren’t about to stomp on your trailer park princess dreams, good for you! The world has no end of love, or at least tolerance, for…

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Michael Lohan Emails Billy Ray Cyrus

Michael Lohan Emails Billy Ray Cyrus

Well played, Billy Ray. Well played indeed! I didn’t know you had it in you! I look at your stupid haircut and listen to your moronic redneck drawl, and I think to myself, “Jesus Christ, how does this rube even manage to walk upright, m…

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If John Lennon Had Lived: An Alternative Timeline

If John Lennon Had Lived: An Alternative Timeline

Last Saturday would have been John Lennon’s 70th birthday. Since he was shot and killed in 1980, his stature as a musician and counter-culture icon has only grown. While many musicians of his day have descended into nothing more than nostalgi…

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Hey Everybody, Lady Gaga Has Something to Say!

Hey Everybody, Lady Gaga Has Something to Say!

Hey everybody, listen up! Lady Gaga has something to say, and since she’s not dressed like an asshole or covered in fake blood, I guess it must be pretty friggen important.

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An Open Letter to Aerosmith’s Joe Perry

An Open Letter to Aerosmith’s Joe Perry

Dear Joe Perry, In a recent interview with the Calgary Herald (whatever the hell that is), you criticized fellow band member Steven Tyler for his plans to become a judge on "American Idol." You implied that back when Aerosmith was formed…

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How to Write a Black Eyed Peas Song

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So you’ve decided to trade your soul in for something closer to high-fructose pudding and dick cheese, good for you. The vacuous suckhole of the entertainment industry is bottomless so don’t worry about being late to the party, there&r…

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Bangs: Best Rapper In All Of Ever

Bangs: Best Rapper In All Of Ever

    Only once in a great while are we mere humans bestowed the honor of having our ear vaginas sexed by the supple vocal penis of a masterful musical artist. Today, friends, is one such rare occasion for we present to you a rapper that ca…

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