Oprah Makes 385 Million A Year

Some things are too massive for me to comprehend, like space or Prince Fielder. So when I heard this, I couldn’t really wrap my head around it:

Usmagazine reports Oprah Winfrey earns a whopping $385 million a year.

If Oprah deserves that much money, that would mean she’s roughly 7500 times more valuable than me. Hmm, yeah, that pretty much makes sense. Okay, but fine, maybe Oprah is worth that much, but the article also says this:

Kyra Sedgwick takes home $275,000 per episode of TNT’s The Closer, making her top- earning actress on a cable network drama.

First of all, I’m pretty sure The Closer isn’t even a real show, just a promo TNT runs to give you a breather between back to back airings of The Shawshank Redemption. The only way that paycheck is justified is if they’re giving her 50 dollars per promo. I think even Tyler Perry is like “Jesus, enough with these f&*kin’ Closer promos.”

If you can’t comprehend what you can buy with 385 million dollars, maybe this will help you out:

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Oprah Winfrey Boytoy Stedman Writes Tell All Book

My dad always said, there are two things you can count on happening eventually: 1)Our sun will burn out and thus render our solar system uninhabitable, and 2) Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend Stedman Graham will write a tell-all book about their relationship.  My old man’s a smart guy.  Popbytes reports:

Stedman graham is supposedly writing a tell-all book worth reportedly $10 million bucks - that apparently contains a bunch of Ms. Winfrey’s dirty little secrets including stedman catching her in bed with another woman (hello gail) her fights with Barack Obama’s wife Michelle plus a pregnancy secret.

If there’s one thing I learned from watching Oprah verbally ass rape that Million Little Pieces Author for lying about the events in his biography that made her book club, it’s that you don’t f%$k with Oprah.  You know that scene from Braveheart where Mel Gibson is like “Run and you may live…for now” and he gets his troops all pumped up and they go into crazy battle?  Well, Oprah doesn’t even need to give that speech and within seconds she can have 8 million women with gardening shears pointed at your nutsack.

Because I’m a member of the press, I was able to obtain a copy of Stedman’s book before anyone else.  Take a look:

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Brad And Angelina Most Influential Couple

Time released it’s list of the world’s 100 most influential people, and the highest ranking couple on the list, coming in at #21, was Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Here’s what George Clooney says about them:

“they have tended to the poor and sick in Africa” and how they shelled out $1 million for the victims in Darfur, among other humanitarian efforts.

I wonder if after this came out, Brad Pitt turned to Angelina and was like “there, we did it.  We’re on the f*&king list, can we stop this now?  I just want to bang the crap out of you without having to go feed some kid with flies all over him.”

Adds Clooney, “The couple cares for three adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, in addition to their biological daughter.

I’m gonna have to agree with their ranking on the influential list because before them, nobody was adopting kids from weird places.  Now, if you don’t have to get 9 different vaccinations before you go check out your adoptee, you’re way uncool.  The more ethnically diverse the orphan, the better.  Somewhere in an orphanage in Toledo, Ohio, a bunch of kids are crowded around one beat up copy of Time Magazine with Brangelina in it and going “you motherf*&kers.”

Anyway, I sort of figure these two are going to be the most influential couple for at least a couple years, unless a brand new couple comes on the scene.  But it’d have to be two pretty big stars.  Maybe something like this:

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