Paris To Kardashian: You Have Fat Ass

I guess when you’re really famous for doing nothing, you get sorta pissed off when someone else gets more famous for doing even less. In Touch reports:

Paris Hilton has apologized to Kim Kardashian after insulting her former best friend’s most famous asset. “I would not want [Kim’s butt] - it’s gross!” Paris told a Las Vegas radio show on April 14. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”

Cottage Cheese inside a trash bag? First of all, Paris Hilton has never taken a trash bag out of a trash container in her life. Therefore somebody had to have said that about Kardashian in front of Paris, then Paris asked that person what that looks like, forcing the person to explain the analogy in great detail to Paris, and when Paris still didn’t understand, they had to just go get a trash bag and fill it with cottage cheese and say “See. This. This is what I mean.”

Secondly, there’s no cottage cheese inside Kim Kardashian’s ass cheeks. To make sure, I snapped a picture of her ass with a special camera I have that let’s me see what’s in people’s ass cheeks. Take a look:

Jon Benet, we hardly knew ye.

(7)

Paris Hilton Wants To Buy Cheetah

I’m starting to really enjoy the combination of being really super rich with being really super stupid.  It’s like right up there with the mixing of peanut butter and jelly, or hands and boobs.  Popsugar  reports:

Paris Hilton had her eye on some major purchases while she was in South Africa with Benji.

She inquired about the price of a cheetah at the animal park, saying, “If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?”

Okay, upon first glance that might have seemed like a stupid question.  But what if she was planning on training the cheetah and then teaming up with it to fight crime?  Then that question kind of makes sense.  For instance, what if her and the Cheetah are in the middle of an undercover drug bust, thousands of pounds of smack on the table and a bunch of gangsters trying to sell it off.  And Paris and the Cheetah are disguised as two brothers from croatia who want in on the west Baltimore drug trade.  Then suddenly paris’ goatee falls off right when she’s about to make the deal and the gangster dudes grab her before she can say the sentence “This Baltimore weather is not like home in Croatia” which will bring the back up that’s waiting a few blocks away.  At that point, she needs a cheetah who she can keep, not one that’s going to run away.  Holy shit, what the hell am I talking about?

(8)

Paris Hilton’s Brother Gets DUI

In an effort to become the answer to a trivial pursuit entertainment question, Paris Hilton’s brother Barron Hilton (yes that’s his real name, no he wasn’t wearing an ascot and a smoking jacket) got a DUI last night.  People.com, please tell us more!:

Barron Hilton was arrested Tuesday morning on charges of driving under the influence and carrying a fake driver’s license, authorities confirm.

His blood-alcohol level was .14 percent.  the California legal limit for a person over 21 is .08 percent, but for a person under 21 (he’s 18), any blood-alcohol level is considered legally drunk.

The DUI charge is a misdemeanor, the more serious charge is carrying a fake license, a felony.  Barron was booked at the Lost Hills Sheriff’s station and held on $20,000 bail.  His Mercedes was impounded.

First of all, 20,000 dollars bail for a Hilton?  He might be able to find that much in his couch.  Secondly, I actually kind of feel for the kid and I’ll tell you why:  I’m just joking, I don’t feel for him!  HAHAHAHA (sigh) HAHAHAH.  He’s a doooooouche.  In fact, getting a DUI when you’re 18 and while driving a Mercedes is the dictionary definition of douche bag.  Seriously, I’m not just saying that.  Take a look.

(2)

Paris Hilton Likes Midgets

So this was a picture from the after party for Paris Hilton’s new movie “The Hottie and the Nottie,”  Which is about a guy who is in love with a hot chick, only to have her ugly friend get in the way.  Unclear whether hilarity ensues.  I’m guessing it does so unintentionally.

Looking at the above picture, you’re probably thinking, “He posted that because it shows Paris Hilton dancing with a midget and midgets are funny.”  You’d be wrong my friend.  I posted that picture because I wanted to give you a reference point before you laid your eyes on this picture:

See, this proves once and for all that A)Tom Cruise dresses inappropriately for parties, and B)Is in fact a 3 foot tall midget.  I’m telling you, when they shoot his movies they put him in front of the camera and then the guy he’s talking to in the scene is like 200 yards away, so on camera it looks like they’re the same size.  I’ve seen the behind the scenes of Lord of the Rings, this happens people.

(1)

Paris Hilton and K-Fed: Team Stupid

I’ve seen a lot of amazing pairings in my lifetime; Joe Montana and Jerry Rice, mint ice cream with chocolate chips, Daryl Hall and John Oates (Go F yourself, they kick ass). But this New Years, we have been blessed with a new pairing, according to people.com:

The unlikely duo of Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton caused heads to turn in Las Vegas over the pre-New Year’s weekend.

On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton’s room Saturday after leaving the club.

I know exactly how this meeting went down because I recently brought my dog over to somebody’s house who also has a dog. They just sort of smell each other for a second, then one of them takes a shit and they start humping.

Just in case you’d like to know what these two Mensa members talked about, I have a transcript:

K-FED: I like your room. It has a lot of shiny things in it.

PARIS: Yeah. I asked for a room with shiny things.

K-FED: That’s a good idea! I should do that. My room always has some shiny things, but not lots. Hey, do you have a place for me to make poop?

PARIS: Duh, of course. Hold on, I’ll get my assistant to bring you a trash bag.

(2)

Paris Hilton Likes it When You Drink the Booze

She drinks and drives, she says “hot” a lot and…that’s about it. But those qualifications are enough to make her the spokesperson for a new ad campaign by Rich Prosecco. For those of you that don’t know (you might want to listen up, Paris) Prosecco is basically an Italian version of champagne. It’s a sparkling wine that usually has a crisp minerally flavor balanced with some fresh fruit notes. Prosecco is the name of the grape used and it is grown in the Valdobbiadene/Conegliano region in Italy. It’s usually a cheaper alternative to Champagne and your dumbass friends won’t know the difference. Especially if your dumbass friend is named Paris Hilton.

(7)