Pete Wentz Invites Joe Simpson To Bachelor Party

You ever at the office on a Friday and you’re rounding up some of your friends to go grab a few beers when suddenly the really aggressive dude in sales is like “you’re getting brewskis?  Where we gettin brewski’s at?  Let’s get f*&kin hammered and bang some poon huh?”  Then everybody just kind of quietly cringes and looks at the floor instead of telling him he can’t come.  Well, I have a feeling this scenario played out with this bachelor party.  People.com reports:

Days before his wedding to Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz celebrated the end of his bachelor life with a night on the town in L.A.

The Fall Out Boy bassist started with dinner in a private room at Mr. Chow, accompanied by his bandmates, soon to be father-in-law, Joe Simpson, pal Joel Madden and about 10 other male friends.

On the creepy scale, Joe Simpson rates somewhere in between “guy caught masturbating in the public library” and “weird midget that used to travel with Pedro Martinez.”  There’s no way Wentz wants his creepy as father-in-law at his bachelor party but I’m sure he came because a)Wentz is an incredible pussy and b)If you don’t think Joe Simpson knows how to get the nastiest strippers, you would be mistaken.  Of course, I’ve seen how he stares at his own daughters, so you run the risk of the stripper coming and the scene looking like this:

Guess who has the boner between Wentz and Daddy Simpson.  Just guess.

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Ashlee Simpson’s Dad Likes Money A Lot

Remeber when you’d get into a fight with your dad because he’d walk into the living room naked when you were had friends over and when you’d tell him why that wasn’t cool he’d respond with “I ain’t wearing clothes around my house.  I grew up on a farm in Kentucky.  If you got sissy friends who are interested in seeing your dad naked, that’s your problem?”  No?  That was just me?  Hmmm.  Anyway, it could have been much worse.  Page six reports:

Joe Simpson, is trying to cash in on the baby-crazed trend in celebrity magazines - but he’s having a difficult time. A magazine source said, “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover.

Wait, it gets better.  Wait for it…waaaaait for it…..

“The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe.”

Niiiiice.  I imagine that photo shoot will be amongst the creepiest in history.  Probably on the level of “Serial Killer taking photos of bound and gagged victim right before torturing them to death.”  I’m imagining there’ll be lots of “all right, squeeze your titties up real high like for daddy just like he promised Usweekly you would.”

I think at this point, Joe Simpson is more than just assured a spot in the fiery pits of hell.  I think probably Satan just comes over to hang out with him, maybe play golf or something.

At first I was going to try and have Satan in all his glory, but somehow it just made me happier to think maybe Satan has to wear a suit and tie to work.  I’m losing my mind.

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Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz To Grow Baby

Jessica Simpson’s vagina is going to be soooooo jealous.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, a source confirmed to Usmagazine.com.

The singer, 23, is expecting her first child with fiancé Pete Wentz, 28.

There is no WAY evolution would be cool with these two procreating.  No way.  I’ve played Oregon Trail enough to know that without modern medicine and technology, evolution takes care of  these two by either way of dysentery or being eaten by a bear.  And trust me, we don’t want to start pissing off evolution.  It might do something crazy like combine a grizzly bear with a monkey and then we’ll all be f-ed.  I ain’t being no grizmonkely bear’s bitch.  What the f*&k am I talking about?

Anyway, I kind of think these two look alike anyway.  I was going to do some elaborate photoshop where I combined their features to show what their baby might look like, but when I did the first step of putting Wentz’s head on Simpson’s body, I went to lunch.  And when I came back I swear to you I thought I hadn’t yet put his head on her body.  It wasn’t after closer inspection that I realized I had.  Take a look.

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Ashlee Simpson To Wed Tiny Creature

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (pictured here uninterested at Ashley’s offer of a hand job), are now getting married.  People.com reports:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married, they announced Wednesday.

Simpson’s father, Joe, tells PEOPLE he’s “totally happy” and “so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family.”

“We are blessed,” he says.

That’s only part of the quote from Joe Simpson.  I think the rest of it said “Now I can take the earning power I harness by exploiting my teenage daughter’s breasts and vagina and combine it with the the profit potential of this boy’s effeminate good looks to finally reach the elusive gay and european audiences.  The world will be mine!  MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!”    Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

In other news, this may be the physically tiniest couple in the world.  Surpassing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  Look at this picture of them standing next to Brad and Angelina:

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