Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz To Grow Baby

Jessica Simpson’s vagina is going to be soooooo jealous.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, a source confirmed to Usmagazine.com.

The singer, 23, is expecting her first child with fiancé Pete Wentz, 28.

There is no WAY evolution would be cool with these two procreating.  No way.  I’ve played Oregon Trail enough to know that without modern medicine and technology, evolution takes care of  these two by either way of dysentery or being eaten by a bear.  And trust me, we don’t want to start pissing off evolution.  It might do something crazy like combine a grizzly bear with a monkey and then we’ll all be f-ed.  I ain’t being no grizmonkely bear’s bitch.  What the f*&k am I talking about?

Anyway, I kind of think these two look alike anyway.  I was going to do some elaborate photoshop where I combined their features to show what their baby might look like, but when I did the first step of putting Wentz’s head on Simpson’s body, I went to lunch.  And when I came back I swear to you I thought I hadn’t yet put his head on her body.  It wasn’t after closer inspection that I realized I had.  Take a look.

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Angelina Jolie’s Stomach: “There’s a Baby In Me.”

The rumor that has all of Hollywood talking, has been confirmed:  Michael Bay is a douchebag.  Also the other rumor that Angelina Jolie is pregnant, that’s been confirmed too.

Amid rumors that Angelina Jolie, 32, is expecting twins, a close source confirms to Us Weekly that the actress is indeed pregnant.

So many celebrities are having babies cause it’s the cool thing to do right now.  But let me tell you, babies grow up and they get bigger and not as cute, and turn into this:

Then what do you do huh?  Flush them down a toilet?  No way, they’ll just live in the sewer and become 3 times their normal size.  All I’m saying is be more careful, celebrities.  I can’t have Rumer Willis biting my foot off when I walk past a storm drain.

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Does Anyone Wear Condoms?

I’m not sure what’s in the cocaine over there in Hollywood, but everyone is having babies.  From people.com:

Gwen Stefani and her rock star husband Gavin Rossdale are expecting their second child, Rossdale’s father confirms to PEOPLE.

“They and the whole family are delighted.”

Yeah, that kid Stefani is holding in the picture definitely looks delighted.  I make that same face right after I shit when I realize I’ve ran out of toilet paper and the only thing in arm’s reach is The New Yorker.

Stefani, 38, and British-born Rossdale, 40, wed in London in September 2002 and have one of the coolest kids in showbiz: Kingston Rossdale, who turns 2 on May 26.

Stefani has described Kingston as a “chilled-out little guy.  He’s just like another person, except that he’s super-cute and super-entertaining.”

Careful, that’s how they used to describe Haley Joel Osment.  Now he looks like this:

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God Bless Jessica Alba’s Pregger Breasts

Being pregnant has its ups and downs (and I should know. My water just broke.) On the downside: you puke quite a bit, you have to experience something called an episiotomy and you get weird cravings for pickled grapefruit and WD-40. But on the upside: you get to skip your period for nine months, you get to experience the joy of childbirth and, most importantly for the male population, your breasts swell up like hot air balloons. For proof, here’s newly pregnant Jessica Alba:

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Nicole Kidman Pregnant. Dingoes Very Excited.

The news you’ve been waiting for is finally official. Australian super-couple Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are expecting a little joey. According to popsugar:

Their rep said, “Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban confirmed today that they are expecting a baby. The couple are thrilled.”

Area dingoes were contacted to respond to the news and had this to say:

We’re very happy for Nicole and Keith and look forward to eating their beautiful, healthy baby.

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