July 15th, 2008 | 01:00
Normally I feel bad when I hear that someone has been struck by a terrible affliction like blindness or leukemia or cottage cheese thighs. But not this time. According to Reuters:
MOSCOW - Dozens of partygoers at an outdoor rave near Moscow last week have lost partial vision after a laser light show burned their retinas, Russian health officials said on Monday.
“They all have retinal burns, scarring is visible on them. Loss of vision in individual cases is as high as 80 percent, and regaining it is already impossible,” Kommersant quoted a treating ophthalmologist as saying.
“After three days I decided to go to the hospital. They examined me, asked if I had been at Open Air, and then put me straight in the hospital. I didn’t even get to go home and get my stuff,” he said.
Oh no! He couldn’t even go home to get his stuff? How was he going to make it in the hospital without his precious ecstasy or his precious glow sticks or his oversized pants or his stupid pacifier or his neon headband?
Losing your eyesight at a rave is about as lame as losing your hearing at a Jefferson Starship concert. Or losing your genitals at an Estelle Getty seminar.
How do you explain to your grandchildren why you went blind? I imagine there will be a lot of conversations like this:
Child: Hey grandpa, why did you go blind?
Old Raver: Well, I like really crappy music.
Child: Why do you like crappy music?
Old Raver: Well, I like music that’s sooo crappy, that your grandpa had to take a special pill to just be able to listen to it for an extended period of time. That pill is called ecstasy.
Child: Ecsta….what?
Old Raver: It’s called ecstasy. And I used to go to these things called “raves.” They were so lame and boring that everyone needed tons and tons of drugs and special lights just so we could stand the crappy awful music we liked so much.
Child: Are you a moron grandpa?
Old Raver: Yes, son. Yes I am. Now go find me some of your grandma’s pain pills before grandpa goes into withdrawal and stabs you in the eye.
(curtain)
blind, rave, raves, Russia
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