Roger Clemens Sorry About All That Sex He Had

Roger Clemens has had a tough few months. After being accused of taking steroids, it’s now coming out that he’s made the sexytime with many, many, many ladies who weren’t his wife over the years. So, instead of denying, he issued this statement today:

I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.

I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a lawyer write up all of your public apologies? I’ve heard Roger Clemens speak before and he is a great big hillbilly who isn’t nearly this articulate. This is what his apology would look like if it was actually coming out of his mouth:

Dear People,

I did the sex with women. Some of those women weren’t my lady wife. We done it in hotel rooms and at truck stops and other places for years and years. I used the doggy and the missionary styles of awesome sexmoves. And while I did enjoy my sex very much, I understand that you should not have known about it. If I could change any of this, I would change the fact that you heard about this.

And, well, shit. I wish you didn’t know about me doing my sex with these random strangers and young karaoke singers. I also really, really, really wish my wife didn’t hear about this. It is hard for me to do my sex moves on her now. She’s mad. Like, real mad. She won’t even touch my pocket rocket (geddit?). Which makes me sad. And sorry.

Real sorry about that awesome sex stuff I did with all those ladies for all those years.

Roger

PS: If you see my wife reading a newspaper or watching a television, please make her stop. She seems to get madder at me whenever she does that.

(4)

Roger Clemens Gave Rocket To Other Woman?

I wonder if Roger Clemens ever thought, when he was feeling down about the roids accusation, “Well, it could be worse, I could be accused to cheating on my wife.”  Espn.com reports:

The New York Daily News, citing “several” unnamed sources, reported on its Web site Sunday night that Clemens and country singer Mindy McCready had a decade-long affair. Clemens’ lawyer, Rusty Hardin, said Clemens and McCready had a friendship and nothing more.

First, that’s pretty cool Roger Clemens’ lawyer’s name is Rusty Hardin.  Sort of sounds like the name of a porn star who only does anal.  Secondly, who the hell has ever heard of Mindy McCready.  Like, the report basically should have just said “Roger Clemens has affair with woman.”  I know they want to make the story bigger, but if she gets the moniker of country singer, then I want it to, because I once sang Kareoke to Achy Breaky Heart and a couple people in the audience told me I was “pretty okay.”  Anyway, the news of this affair has been out for a while, but because no one knows who the hell this woman is, we didn’t see the signs.  Here’s her Second Album, her first was called “If you need help evening out a table with a wobbly leg.”

(10)

MILF Monday: Debbie Clemens

There’s some crazy rumor going around that Debbie Clemens, Roger’s wife, was injected with HGH by Brian McNamee. But I just don’t see it. She looks like a regular mom to me. According to her website, she’s really into exercise, so that may account for her slightly abnormal build when compared to other moms her age.

(1)