The people of Russia have done and said a lot of great stuff over time (”In Russia, toilet paper uses you!”, communism), but I think we have a new winner. According to telegraph.co.uk:
A Russian advertising executive who sued her boss for sexual harassment lost her case after a judge ruled that employers were obliged to make passes at female staff to ensure the survival of the human race.
She alleged she had been locked out of her office after she refused to have intimate relations with her 47-year-old boss.
“He always demanded that female workers signalled to him with their eyes that they desperately wanted to be laid on the boardroom table as soon as he gave the word,” she earlier told the court. “I didn’t realise at first that he wasn’t speaking metaphorically.”
The judge said he threw out the case not through lack of evidence but because the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally.
“If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children,” the judge ruled.
So, without sexual harassment, we wouldn’t have any children? At first I thought this was totally crazy, but after seeing this photo of Isiah Thomas’s house, I think that Russian judge might be onto something.
Normally I feel bad when I hear that someone has been struck by a terrible affliction like blindness or leukemia or cottage cheese thighs. But not this time. According to Reuters:
MOSCOW - Dozens of partygoers at an outdoor rave near Moscow last week have lost partial vision after a laser light show burned their retinas, Russian health officials said on Monday.
“They all have retinal burns, scarring is visible on them. Loss of vision in individual cases is as high as 80 percent, and regaining it is already impossible,” Kommersant quoted a treating ophthalmologist as saying.
“After three days I decided to go to the hospital. They examined me, asked if I had been at Open Air, and then put me straight in the hospital. I didn’t even get to go home and get my stuff,” he said.
Oh no! He couldn’t even go home to get his stuff? How was he going to make it in the hospital without his precious ecstasy or his precious glow sticks or his oversized pants or his stupid pacifier or his neon headband?
Losing your eyesight at a rave is about as lame as losing your hearing at a Jefferson Starship concert. Or losing your genitals at an Estelle Getty seminar.
How do you explain to your grandchildren why you went blind? I imagine there will be a lot of conversations like this:
Child: Hey grandpa, why did you go blind?
Old Raver: Well, I like really crappy music.
Child: Why do you like crappy music?
Old Raver: Well, I like music that’s sooo crappy, that your grandpa had to take a special pill to just be able to listen to it for an extended period of time. That pill is called ecstasy.
Child: Ecsta….what?
Old Raver: It’s called ecstasy. And I used to go to these things called “raves.” They were so lame and boring that everyone needed tons and tons of drugs and special lights just so we could stand the crappy awful music we liked so much.
Child: Are you a moron grandpa?
Old Raver: Yes, son. Yes I am. Now go find me some of your grandma’s pain pills before grandpa goes into withdrawal and stabs you in the eye.
I’ve never been to Russia, but I used to think it would be a really interesting place to visit. Now, I’m not so sure. According to MSNBC:
MOSCOW - A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk.
The bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, the spa’s director said Thursday.
“There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art,” Alexander Kharchenko told The Associated Press. “An enema is almost a symbol of our region.”
Kharchenko, 50, said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his spa on Wednesday. A banner declaring: “Let’s beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas” — an allusion to a line from “The Twelve Chairs,” a famous Soviet film comedy — was posted on one of the spa’s walls.
“This device is eternal, it will never change,” she told the AP. “We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors.”
It’s nice to see a place be honest about what their symbol. Russia just cut the crap and said, “Look, we jam these things up our asses so much, we built a goddamn sculpture about it.” If other cities and countries did the same thing, we’d have a lot more interesting sculptures littering this land.
So it got me to thinking. What if other cities built sculptures to their real symbols? Here are a few suggestions.
Genital Swabbing - Tiujana, Mexico Lymphoma - Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania Wife Beating - All of Alabama Getting Run Over By A Car - Queens, New York Colorectal Exams - Wichita, Kansas Diabetes - Eastern Kentucky Pompous Rich Assholes - Nantucket, Massachusetts Exchanging Sex For Money - Las Vegas, Nevada Shooting Anything And Anyone That Moves - San Antonio, Texas Adult Diapers - Tampa Bay, Florida Not Really Sure - Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska and both Dakotas Being Proud Of Maple Syrup - Burlington, Vermont Potatoes? Yes, Potatoes - Boise, Idaho Crapping - West Patterson, New Jersey We Gave You Rick Moranis - Canada
Other Crap To Look At:
Aubrey O’Day has some trashy cleavage (drunkenstepfather)
25 Historical Events Described By 5 Year Olds (cracked)
Gianne Albertoni is hotter than you (gorillamask)
You might need some anti monkey butt powder (Best Week Ever)
5 funny soccer goals (cameltap)
Granny fight! (doubleviking)
Jodie March is topless (hornyoyster)
This is a DUI waiting to happen (tastybooze)
Erik Estrada gets attacked by a midget (weakgame)
Svetlana Medvedev is the going to be the new Russian first lady this May, but I couldn’t help notice her uncanny resemblance to former first daughter Chelsea Clinton. I’m not sure if it’s the jowely face or the extra wide fish mouth or the power-hungry glint in their eyes that makes them look like sisters, but whatever it is, it’s freaking me out.
If Hillary gets back in the White House, I hope Svetlana and Chelsea pull some wacky Parent Trap-style caper where they switch roles and start an earth-annihilating nuclear war. That would be hilarious.
So, for 3500 dollars, I can have a crazy Russian dude attack me with a stick while a German Shepherd barks non-stop. Or, I could pay nothing and get the same thing at my Uncle’s house. How much does stuff suck in eastern Europe that people “are nostalgic for the old Soviet Union.” Apparently nobody in Lithuania has seen Rocky IV.
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