Scarlett Johansson To Marry Ryan Reynolds

My mom always said to me “Before you decide to get married , make sure your heart is filled with the utmost love and respect for the person you’re marrying.  Unless that person has really big perky titties but still manages a thin figure.  In which case, don’t worry about the shit I said before.”  Ryan Reynolds, my mom would be proud.  People.com reports:

After dating for more than a year, Scarlett Johansson is set to marry her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

As a man, you always kind of think you have a shot with any girl if the right situation came about.  Except for Scarlett Johansson.  I’ve seriously spent nights awake trying to think of a scenario and I couldn’t come up with shit.  I had this one scenario where we both were on a boat and some terrorists took it over, but that fell apart pretty quick due to some of the logistics of the boat and me being able to perform while also worrying about my safety.  I’ve said too much.

Aaaanyway, kudos to Mr. Ryan Reynolds.  Landing Scarlett Johansson is an amazing feat of cocksmanship.  I mean, if you think about it, it sort of makes him a Super Hero of sorts.  I think he’d look something like this:

Of course, he’d have to have a nemesis.  I’m thinking maybe like some dude who’s friends with Scarlett that she confides in and says stuff like “I’m so lucky to have a friend like you,” while they both cry.  Then he’s like “let’s go rollerblading  and just be really good to us today.  We deserve it.”   Then she calls Ryan and cancels on him even though Ryan had courtside tickets to the Lakers game.  I think this nemesis would prove formidable to Captain Poontang and look  something like this:

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Scarlett Johansson Won’t Have Sex With You Now

If you figured Scarlett Johansson was sad and alone and that you were the one who would sweep her off her feet…well you’re a retard if you thought that. According to HollywoodRag.com she is now engaged to Ryan Reynolds:

The ‘Lost in Translation’ actress, who has been dating Ryan for almost a year, is said to be smitten with the ‘Smokin’ Aces’ star and has accepted his marriage proposal.

A source said: “We can expect an engagement announcement from Ryan and Scarlett any day now. They are very much in love and have decided to take the next step. Scarlett is thrilled!”

But, with every story there is a silver lining. At least you won’t have to…um, I mean, there’s always…nope. Sorry, this story pretty much sucks all around. Congratulations Ryan. I definitely hope you don’t suffer a non-lethal, but serious injury that horribly disfigures your face.

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