Ashlee Simpson’s Dad Likes Money A Lot

Remeber when you’d get into a fight with your dad because he’d walk into the living room naked when you were had friends over and when you’d tell him why that wasn’t cool he’d respond with “I ain’t wearing clothes around my house.  I grew up on a farm in Kentucky.  If you got sissy friends who are interested in seeing your dad naked, that’s your problem?”  No?  That was just me?  Hmmm.  Anyway, it could have been much worse.  Page six reports:

Joe Simpson, is trying to cash in on the baby-crazed trend in celebrity magazines - but he’s having a difficult time. A magazine source said, “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover.

Wait, it gets better.  Wait for it…waaaaait for it…..

“The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe.”

Niiiiice.  I imagine that photo shoot will be amongst the creepiest in history.  Probably on the level of “Serial Killer taking photos of bound and gagged victim right before torturing them to death.”  I’m imagining there’ll be lots of “all right, squeeze your titties up real high like for daddy just like he promised Usweekly you would.”

I think at this point, Joe Simpson is more than just assured a spot in the fiery pits of hell.  I think probably Satan just comes over to hang out with him, maybe play golf or something.

At first I was going to try and have Satan in all his glory, but somehow it just made me happier to think maybe Satan has to wear a suit and tie to work.  I’m losing my mind.

(4)

Mario Chalmers’ King Of Kansas

I’ve seen that really crappy Spike Lee movie with Ray Allen in it: If you’re a college basketball player, you get to do a lot of chicks. So I would imagine, if you’re a college basketball player that basically hits the game saving shot that leads your team to an NCAA championship, you probably come back to your dorm room to find that it’s made of naked chicks. The best part about this is that John Calipari would literally sacrifice a baby to win a national championship. In fact, here’s an internal memo from Satan I found today:

(0)