February 20th, 2008 | 11:05
Want to be cool like Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman and the rest of Hollywood’s A-list? Here’s your blueprint.
1. Take a free personality test
Called the Oxford Capacity Analysis and administered by two Scientology volunteers, this will help you find the weak areas in your life. (Some example questions: “Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?” “Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?”) Here’s a list of all the questions, along with what the church considers the “right” answers. Cheat away right here!
2. Hit the bank and the books (in that order)
You need to attend classes, and that means paying some fees. Sorry—”fixed donations.” Entry-level courses will run you 50–100 bucks, but to make the upper reaches of Scientology you need to take higher-level courses, and that ain’t cheap. (One estimate puts the cost of reaching the church’s highest level at $380,000.) Can’t afford classes? Then you can’t be a member. But the church will take you on as an employee to recruit people who have more money.
3. Don’t be gay or a journalist (Sorry, Anderson Cooper)
Well, you can technically “be” gay, but you have to be an “ethics in” homosexual, which means you can’t actually “have” any homosexual sex. So you can see why they only let ultra-macho dudes like Tom Cruise and John Travolta become members. Journalists, on the other hand, aren’t allowed anywhere near Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard.
How-to, scientologist, Scientology
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