I think I’ve figured out the secret to Scientology. They only let the lamest 1% of the population into their cult because ex-members—people who have denounced this wacky gang—can’t speak out against it without sounding like totally lame shitheads. This guy is named Jason Beghe and apparently he’s the first “actor” to speak out against Scientology. (I put “actor” in “quotes” because he’s had bit parts in Veonica Mars, Chicago Hope, Picket Fences and G.I. Jane.) But listening to this guy talk about wacky Scientology crap is almost worse than hearing Tom Cruise’s fake maniacal laughter. The clear? OT8? Theta traps? No one knows what the hell you’re talking about, dude. Now run along. I think Numb3rs needs someone to play “Background Person #3.”
My favorite quote from this video is: “I have the luxury of having gotten into Scientology, and, after having been in it, been out. And that’s a persepctive that those people who are in and are not out, do not have.”
Thanks a lot, Johnny Obvious. If you really want to blow our minds, why not tell us Tom Cruise is straight.
Want to be cool like Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman and the rest of Hollywood’s A-list? Here’s your blueprint.
1. Take a free personality test
Called the Oxford Capacity Analysis and administered by two Scientology volunteers, this will help you find the weak areas in your life. (Some example questions: “Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?” “Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?”) Here’s a list of all the questions, along with what the church considers the “right” answers. Cheat away right here!
2. Hit the bank and the books (in that order)
You need to attend classes, and that means paying some fees. Sorry—”fixed donations.” Entry-level courses will run you 50–100 bucks, but to make the upper reaches of Scientology you need to take higher-level courses, and that ain’t cheap. (One estimate puts the cost of reaching the church’s highest level at $380,000.) Can’t afford classes? Then you can’t be a member. But the church will take you on as an employee to recruit people who have more money.
3. Don’t be gay or a journalist (Sorry, Anderson Cooper)
Well, you can technically “be” gay, but you have to be an “ethics in” homosexual, which means you can’t actually “have” any homosexual sex. So you can see why they only let ultra-macho dudes like Tom Cruise and John Travolta become members. Journalists, on the other hand, aren’t allowed anywhere near Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard.
We got ahold of the Tom Cruise Scientology video that the scientologists played before they gave him his Butthole Trophy of Magnificent Award for lifelong achievement of being a cult member. (I’m totally getting killed for writing that sentence.) This video has a lot of terrifying/hilarious parts, but my favorite is his condescending laughter when talking about something called SPs. Then he mentions a lot of other acronyms that I didn’t understand and am too lazy too look up. Hey, if I’m already dead I may as well spend my time doing something I enjoy (masturbating while blogging. And masturbating.)
Cruise recently accepted the Freedom Medal of Valor award at an International Association of Scientologists Event.
The Freedom Medal of Valor award? What the hell kind of name is that? It’s like they filled out a fucking mad libs. In fact, here, you can make your own award using this:
The (Noun)(Type of Award) of (Adjective) Award
I came up with “The Butthole Trophy of Magnificent Award.” I’m not sure why, but I’m going to give it to Rebbeca Romijn-Stamos.
When Cruise accepts the award, he goes on to say:
“Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident…you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.”
Really? What the fuck am I doing calling triple AAA then when I get a flat tire? Do Scientologists give me the first seven miles of towing free also?
“Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean.”
Romp and play? Apparently Tom Cruise thinks he’s a nymph in a Greek Myth. I’d say he’s now officially, “don’t turn your back to him or he might hump/bite you” crazy. Still though, love that Jerry Maguire movie.
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