Roger Clemens has had a tough few months. After being accused of taking steroids, it’s now coming out that he’s made the sexytime with many, many, many ladies who weren’t his wife over the years. So, instead of denying, he issued this statement today:
I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.
I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a lawyer write up all of your public apologies? I’ve heard Roger Clemens speak before and he is a great big hillbilly who isn’t nearly this articulate. This is what his apology would look like if it was actually coming out of his mouth:
Dear People,
I did the sex with women. Some of those women weren’t my lady wife. We done it in hotel rooms and at truck stops and other places for years and years. I used the doggy and the missionary styles of awesome sexmoves. And while I did enjoy my sex very much, I understand that you should not have known about it. If I could change any of this, I would change the fact that you heard about this.
And, well, shit. I wish you didn’t know about me doing my sex with these random strangers and young karaoke singers. I also really, really, really wish my wife didn’t hear about this. It is hard for me to do my sex moves on her now. She’s mad. Like, real mad. She won’t even touch my pocket rocket (geddit?). Which makes me sad. And sorry.
Real sorry about that awesome sex stuff I did with all those ladies for all those years.
Roger
PS: If you see my wife reading a newspaper or watching a television, please make her stop. She seems to get madder at me whenever she does that.
There’s so many layers to this story that intrigue me. Like, if you are the kind of person that not only wants to have sex with a table, but do it in public, you wouldn’t think you’d have the wherewithal to use the umbrella hole as a vagina replacement. That takes some critical thinking that you wouldn’t expect an outdoor tablefucker to have.
If you think people in Japan are spending all their time screwing each other, well, you’re wrong. According to fleshbot.com:
One-quarter of married couples in Japan have had no sex in the past year, a survey showed.
Sex is particularly elusive as people grow older, with the study finding that 37.3 percent of Japanese married couples in their 50s were not having sex.
There was no comparable data for other countries but earlier surveys by condom manufacturer Durex has put Japan among the world’s least sexually active nations.
After doing a little research, I came up with a few reasons why the Japanese folk aren’t getting it on as much as they should:
1. Sex is on the list of things that dishonors your ancestors and brings shame upon your family. Also on that list: not getting into Harvard, losing your job, and giving birth to a daughter.
2. White American businessmen’s “Asian fetish” and the sex tourism industry leave no Asian women for Asian men.
3. Seeing your wife in a bukkakke video kinda kills the mood.
4. While American men use their knowledge of baseball to prolong sexual intercourse, Asian men use their knowledge of baseball to make sure no one wants to have sex with them.
5. Many Asian women fear the fabled myth known as Godzilla Penis..
If you’re about to have sex with a teenage girl, you may want to go find a Cougar, a MILF, a GILF or possibly even a DILF. According to MSNBC:
Researchers at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found at least one in 4 teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease.
Only about half of the girls in the study acknowledged having sex. Some teens define sex as only intercourse, yet other types of intimate behavior including oral sex can spread some diseases.
Teens were tested for four infections: human papillomavirus, or HPV, which can cause cervical cancer and affected 18 percent of girls studied; chlamydia, which affected 4 percent; trichomoniasis, 2.5 percent; and genital herpes, 2 percent.
The real tragedy of these findings are our teenage boys. If the boys aren’t in the same STD bracket as the girls, it must mean they’re having less sex. Which means the girls are getting their diseases from older, more disgusting men. When I was a teenage boy, I would’ve killed my family for a chance at getting an STD. So this begs the question: Who will have unprotected sex with our nation’s teenage boys? Won’t someone please think of the male, STD-less children?
I’m not one to judge, so I’m going to let EroticFalconry.com speak for itself:
What’s abnormal about wanting to see your wife take a three-inch beak instead of a 10-inch African American phallus or a silicon, injection-molded forearm? How can a human vagina or anus even compare to hollow bones or a molty egg-hole.
Eroticfalconry.com is hopefully just the tip of the iceberg. Our goal is to show others what turns us on so that they can see the natural sexual ferocity of our feathered friends.
I just worked up a math equation to express how I feel about boning birds: Talons + Penis = Terrified Screaming. And I try to do as little terrified screaming as possible during sex. (That’s usually reserved for my partner.)
According to a new scientific investigation, male monkeys aren’t so different than my uncle.
A study into our primate cousins found that male macaques pay for intercourse by using grooming as a currency.
On average, females had sex 1.5 times per hour. But this rate jumped to 3.5 times per hour immediately after the female had been groomed by a male — and her partner of choice was likely to be a hunky monkey that did the grooming.
Pfffft, please. Those monkey’s have it easy. Try grooming a vegas hooker and see what that buys you.
Market forces also acted on the value of the transaction. If there were several females in the area, the cost of buying sex would drop dramatically — a male could “buy” a female for just eight minutes of nit-picking.
First you pick all the bugs off of her, THEN you hump her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten that rule. Those monkeys, they’re always thinking. I gain more respect for them with each day that passes.
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