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Kids Aren’t Hilariously Inappropriate. Crappy Photoshoppers Are.

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Kids being accidentally inappropriate is a curiously viral thing. These little tykes are so gosh-darn innocent, and so ludicrously bad at spelling, whenever they try to write something cute, it comes out evil, sexual, or sexually evil. Problem: ever…

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Ranking Everyday Tasks in Order of Difficulty When You’re Dead Tired

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Do you sleep much? I don’t. I want to. My idea of a good day involves sleeping till noon. I could sleep for a solid 14 hours if left to my own devices, but alas I have work and life and responsibilities and a social stigma that says you’re a bi…

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5 Things Everything Must Like to Be Normal

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In the 50s, if TV hasn’t lead me astray, everyone knew what normal was. Everyone wanted to be normal and abnormal was uncool. Then sometime in the 90s people started saying “what’s normal anyway?” and we decided to accept all kinds of insanity all…

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The Oldest Dildo in the World: A Perspective

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It’s 28,000 years ago. Saber-toothed cats still exist. As do Neanderthals. Humanity is slowly establishing itself, art is being created, and tools. And in a cave, in what is present day Germany, someone stores their stone dildo. It’s about 8 in…

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8 Animals Ruined by Humans

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You know who names animals? People. A dog didn’t wander into Babylon one day and tell everyone it was called a dog. The word came from an old English word for a specific kind of canine and then bam! English has a word for that animal. So every …

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What Your Sex Toy Says About You

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Say, you like treating your body like an amusement park, right? Sure you do! It’s the reason we all have dongs and lady dongs, whatever those may be. But is there some secret to what rubber or plaster widget makes your gitch twitch? Is there a hi…

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9 of the Most Depressing Fetishes Ever

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Fetishes make the world go ‘round and everyone is into something. You prefer blondes, you prefer big boobs, you like honey mustard on your taint, whatever. Most fetishes (not all. Never all. But most) are perfectly OK. It’s a harmless quirk tha…

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When Boobs Go Bad

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Any man on Earth with an interest in boobs (gay guys, go have a smoothie) can confirm that, at some point in time, in a conversation with a woman, you’ll be challenged with the spurious and confused notion that men just love boobs.

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How to Make Love

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So, you’ve decided to stick it to genetics and luck and try your hand at sweet, sweet coitus, good for you. The sex act, or porking, is one of the most satisfying ways to spend a commercial break man has ever devised. It provides a level of closen…

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The Worst Thing Ever

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I want you to look at something and know that it’s not my fault. I didn’t do this. I wouldn’t do this. But it’s a thing that happened and I never knew about it until just now, two years after the fact. Just look.

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Facebook’s Eerie Parrot Subculture

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This article will make no sense. I will not explain to you how I happened upon the information I’m about to share because it is not relevant. All you need to know is that it is true and verifiable and ridiculous. Facebook is full of parrots.

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10 New Sex Positions for a New You

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Have you been paying attention to the calendar? December 21st is fast approaching and, if people who breathe through their mouths when they think are to be believed, that’s the last day of existence. No shit. The Mayans, a race of people who real…

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