So, in this video, Tyra Banks asks Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt about their claims that Lauren Conrad has a sex tape. I went ahead and added in what Spencer was probably thinking during the interview.
I think when you’re really super stupid, and you meet other really super stupid people, you just get excited and want to talk to them a bunch. It’s like when you have a dog that doesn’t get out much, then you walk it and it comes across another dog it starts going to into turbo butthole sniffing mode because it’s a)so excited to see another dog and b)thinks this might be the last butthole it gets to sniff for a long time. That’s sort of the energy in this room with these three geniuses. I love that Spencer said 1000%. That a classic move. “Hmmm, how do I show how sure I am? I’ll say I’m ten thousand percent sure. Wait, I’m not quite that sure…”
I don’t even think I can continue to call Spencer Pratt a douchebag. It’s like he’s doing things in the field of douchebaggery that have never been done before. It’s like when Einstein discovered the theory of relativity or when Knute Rockne introduced the forward pass: People just stood still in amazement, knowing that respectively, both science and football would never be the same. That’s sort of how I reacted when I read this on popsugar:
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have backed out of their trip to this weekend’s White House Correspondents Dinner because no one would pay for an uninvited Spencer’s first-class ticket and it wasn’t “A-listy” enough
To fully explain how awesome this move is, let’s break it down in terms that we humans can understand: Imagine someone was throwing a party and you were definitely NOT invited to it. Like, they made it clear you couldn’t come. Then you called that person and said “Either pay for my cab fare to this party or I’m not coming.” Would that make you retarded, or brilliant? I honestly can’t say which. I’ll leave it up to future scholars to judge.
As far as not being “a-listy enough,” he might have the point. The Presidents approval rating is at a record low, so he’s been hanging with a pretty d-list crowd.
Before you say how ridiculous and stupid this is, remember that Tony Danza not only starred in multiple sitcoms, but also had his own talk show. I watched him interview Tony Bennett once and spend four minutes on how crazy it was that they were both named Tony. I shit you not. Popsugar.com reports:
Now the couple we love to hate but can’t stop watching are trying to get their own spinoff show on MTV. It would follow the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt as they make their wedding preparations, showing us the real Heidi and Spencer.
Screw that, why sell these two short? If we’re going to give them their own show, I want it to be a gritty crime drama where Heidi and Spencer are New York City detectives. Heidi plays by the book and Spencer’s a loose cannon.
The pilot will start out with Spencer blowing up half a city block in an effort to nail some Russian mobster. Then he’ll get called into the chief’s office and the chief will be like “You’re out of control Pratt!” and Spencer will slam his fist on the table and be like “COME ON BRO!” Then the chief will say “That’s it. I’m partnering you up!” and Pratt will of course insist that he works alone, but then Heidi will walk in, and the sexual tension will only be able to be cut by a very sharp knife. Also, the guy who played Vinny from Doogie Howser will be the coroner who provides comic relief. I would watch this every week. I wouldn’t even Tivo it, I’d watch it live.
This is a clip from The Hills. All you need to know is that the Spencer dude and the Heidi chick just broke up. She’s trying to get over it, and he goes to the bar where she’s trying to do that, and tries to bang every chick within ear shot of her table. God bless this show.
There are two parts of this that are so f-ing classic that I had to post this.
1)Spencer actually scolds one of the chicks he’s trying to bang due to her not correctly taking the shot of alcohol he purchased for her. It’s a small nuanced thing, but such an amazing display of douchebaggery. It’s like watching Tim Duncan set a perfect screen for Manu Ginobli so he can get a wide open three: It doesn’t go in the stat book, but anyone who knows basketball knows how difficult that is to pull off well.
2)Heidi’s levels of anger: ”I’m so mad. I’m like shaking mad. I’m like crying and shaking mad.” I can’t tell you how much I was hoping there’d be a fourth and fifth level of her madness. My mind was racing. Like, maybe the fourth would be “I’m like crying and shaking and shit my pants mad,” and the fifth would be “I’m’ like crying and shaking and shit my pants and spend several years planning an attack on a major U.S. landmark in an effort to undermine American civil liberties and the economy mad.”
I seriously can’t get enough of this guy. I really can’t. He’s like an evil shakespearian character mixed with the bad guy from the first Karate Kid, with a dash of retarded. He’s just amazing. If you’ve never watched The Hills, don’t start. It’s gawd awful but impossible to turn away from. This scene right here is essentially the entire show. They argue about nothing and talk about nothing, yet, you can’t stop watching. I call phenomena like that “The Saved By The Bell Effect.” I wish Spencer Pratt was a lawyer, he’s got really awesome one liners that make absolutely no sense, yet completely shut down the retards that he argues against. I feel like if we sent him over to Iran to deal with Ahmadinejad they’d have the following conversation.
AHMADINEJAD: We’re going to restart production of Nuclear Weapons
PRATT: Bro, when you do stuff like get nuclear weapons, you think it makes things hard for me and Heidi, but it just makes things hard for you.
AHMADINEJAD: I’m not sure I follow.
PRATT: You’re not following because you don’t want to follow, bro. You talk about all this drama but you’re the drama bringer and me and Heidi just want to get on with our lives.
If you were wondering who was going to be the next F. Scott Fitzgerald, wonder no further my friends. Perezhilton.com reports:
Sources reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that Spencer Prattis “in talks” to release an autobiographical book and he’s ready to tell all.
“He’s close to signing a deal,” an insider aware of the negotiations tells us. “He will talk about L.C., Brody and everything else you’d wanna know.”
I wonder if the book will be like the show. If so, expect to see passages like this:
“I turned to Heidi. She looked, like, super hot.
“Heidi, you look, like, super hot,” said me.
Heidi totally did look hot. I thought in my head that she probably thought in her head, that that was totally nice for me to say that.
“That was totally nice for you to say that,” said Heidi to me.
I can’t wait for this book to come out. Seriously, I haven’t been this excited since I was 11 and found out there was a homeless dude by my house that would trade Hustler magazines for fruit roll-ups. If I may, I’d like to offer up my own cover for the book. Free of charge of course.
I wish I could stop writing about these two gobs of stupid but it’s like they beg me to do it. Get a load of this crap:
According to Us Magazine, Heidi Montag and her main man Spencer Pratt plan on developing a Heidi and Spencer video game
Spencer revealed that he is working with Electronic Arts’ on the game and that “it’s top secret” and “everyone will be addicted.” He also mentioned that there will be two versions - one for adults and one for minors
The only way this game will be addicting is if it’s made of cocaine in which case they better not let either of these two around the factory that’s making them. What the hell could the premise of this game possibly be? Maybe you play as either Heidi or Spencer and the goal is to go through an entire day being a completely useless asshole. Like, you go to a Pinkberry to get a frozen Yogurt and a woman carrying a baby and groceries drops her wallet at the register, and the longer you stare at her struggling to pick it up the more points you get.
Sometimes I wish I was incredibly stupid and good looking, because life is so much simpler for those people. You see something shiny and you get happy and excited. Then someone touches your penis and it feels good and you call it a day.
Heidi Montag spent Valentine’s with beau Spencer Pratt on a yacht.
“We went on a little sailing safari, which was really fun,” Montag said, later adding. “We actually crashed. The driver of our boat crashed into three other boats. I was so scared! I thought we were about to sink!”
First of all, if you almost crash, the trip ceases to be “really fun.” I was on a boat once that almost crashed and everybody practically shit their pants in fear except for a retarded kid who was enjoying it like he just watched his favorite team win the Super Bowl. I bring him up only because that’s exactly the reaction I imagine these two morons having while people on the other boats they collided with were screaming for their children and saying prayers.
Secondly, why were they driving so recklessly when it’s a f-ing lesiure cruise? Were they fleeing Cuba? Who the hell was driving this boat?
So, this is the music video for the single off Heidi Montag’s new album. The song is called “Higher.” To watch this video and call it shitty, would be like watching someone eat a baby then tell them they were being “uncool.” Popsugar.com reports:
Apparently Spencer Pratt [Heidi’s boyfriend] directed the video himself.
Really? Because I could have sworn someone super glued a camera to the head of a Golden Retriever and then rubbed carne asada all over Heidi’s ass. It felt like I was watching the start of a really crappy porno. I kept waiting for a lifeguard to walk over to her and tells her “beach is closed” and for her to respond with “but my legs are open,” and then nasty-ass sex commencing. This is just shameful. Spencer Pratt is like Martin Scorcese if his brain was filled with Diarrhea.
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