Star Jones Ex Married For Love. Ew.

You remember in Shawshank when Andy Dufresne finally crawled out of that tunnel of shit to freedom and there was that overhead shot, in the rain, of him triumphantly tasting life again for the first time? Well, that was sort of how I figured Star Jones’ ex-husband Al Reynolds would feel right now. But apparently he’s more like Brooks. Shows what I know about the word “love.” People.com reports:

Al Reynolds is opening up – a little – about his split from Star Jones.

“I know in my heart that I entered my marriage with love and the best of intentions and leave it with great sadness that it didn’t work,” writes Reynolds in a MySpace post Tuesday.

If you replaced “my marriage” with “TGI Friday’s” I could have used that exact same sentence to describe what I did last night. Seriously, I can not fathom how ANYONE, I don’t care who you are, could have any kind of sadness related to NOT seeing Star Jones anymore. Not to mention someone who had to listen to her inane bullshit on a daily basis AND have sex with her. In fact, here’s a flow chart to detail exactly what I would do if I was married to Star Jones and had to have sex with her.

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Star Jones Single! Unbelievable But True!

Once when I was 9, I was at the county fair, and the dude operating the bumper cars had a weird boil/zit type thing on his face that looked like it was going to burst and his wife came up and popped it, and then wiped the stuff that came out of it on their small child’s shirt.  I tell you this because I’d sooner jerk off to that scenario, then to a picture of Star Jones.  Even though it’s reported that she’s now single:

Star Jones has filed for divorce from husband Al Reynolds, the former View co-host has announced.

That’s right gentleman, she’s single!  Get out your nice pants and what ever you can rub on yourself that smells like rosemary encrusted cornish game hen, because it’s time to go-a hunting for a single lady by the name of Star Jones!  She goes on to say:

Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce.

I think what she meant to say was “Several years ago I used to be really super really fat.  Now I’m not so I want to see if I can do a hotter more succesfull dude.”  I think what Star doesn’t understand is that it’s not so much her looks that make her disgusting, it’s her hideous personality.  But also her looks, I shouldn’t have spoken hastily.  Anyway, there’s only one bar I know of where she might find a dude who’d be in to her.  That’s right, the Star Wars Cantina.

Whoa!  I wouldn’t be looking over the pointy headed dudes shoulder while he’s playing cards.  That’s no way to win a man!

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