8 Types Of Annoying People You’ll Find Inside Starbucks

Here are 8 types of people you’ll find inside a Starbucks that are guaranteed to annoy the shit out of you.

8. Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of shit in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your asshole after defecating.

7. Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office

Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. “Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?” And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it’s going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his coffee-harvesting burro.

6. The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer

Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles). Their next step is to make sure they’re facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!
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Starbucks Shuts Down: Chaos Ensues

All right, no one freak out. Just breathe in and out through your nose because I’m about to lay some FRIGHTENING shit on you. Fox reports:

Coffee giant Starbucks announced this month that it would close most of its 7,000 U.S. stores for three hours on the evening of Feb. 26. The decision to close the stores was made so that the 135,000 managers and other employees can be re-trained.

Three hours?! Are they insane? I saw a woman in line at a Starbucks once scream at a man and call him a “fucking imbecile” because he took about one minute too long to decide what he wanted. Also, why the hell do they need to retrain the employees? What was going on before this? Were the employees just dumping water and coffee beans in to a cup and then handing it out? It’s fucking coffee, not brain surgery or celebrity blogging.

As soon as word got out about this story, pretty much all of Los Angeles went ape shit. Women and men were getting into their BMWs and driving straight into oncoming traffic. Gun fire was heard everywhere, babies screaming. And still, the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf was empty. I got an aerial picture of Malibu, it’s not going well over there:

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