Lindsay Lohan Steals Coats

See, it’s stories like these that make me not want to go outside in my 11,000 dollar coat.  People.com reports:

Masha Markova, a student at Columbia University, put down her $11,000 blond mink coat with other partygoers’ jackets at the Jan. 26 bash – and thought it was gone for good after she couldn’t find it at the end of the night.

But Markova tells the Post she was flipping through a February magazine when she saw Lindsay Lohan sporting the distinctive coat. “It was my coat. It was no doubt,” she said.

First of all, this chick is in college and she has an 11,000 dollar coat?  When I was in college I had a pair of sixty dollar shoes and when my roommate peed in them by “accident” one night, ruining them, I went into a deep depression and didn’t come out of my room for three weeks except once to watch the finale of Seinfeld and once to weigh in on whether the shit that was on our door step was human or animal.  So excuse me if I don’t feel one bit f-ing sorry for this whiny rich chick.

Secondly, it’s easy to be hard on Lohan for this, but you try figuring out which coat is yours when it’s dark and you’ve snorted a milk jug full of cocaine.  Yeah, not so easy is it?  But, this isn’t the first time Lindsay Lohan has stolen shit.  I found this picture on the interweb.

Ashlee Simpson is NOT going to be happy about that.

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Penis Thieves Run Wild In Africa!

There are a lot of excuses men use for having a small penis or not being able to get an erection during sex.  “I’ve been under a lot of stress,” “It doesn’t get full size when the air is dry,” “I thought I heard your parents come home.  I know they’re on vacation, but I thought I did and once I think that, you know, that’s it.”  But I have NEVER, EVER, heard an excuse like this:  Reuters reports:

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

I love being a dude, but holy shit we will stop at no lengths to find a reason for our penises being subpar.  Imagine having this conversation while failing to impress a girl the first time she sees your penis:

MAN: No, seriously, my penis used to be HUGE, but then I cut off this guy in traffic, and well, wouldn’t you know it, he turned out to be a sorcerer that steals penises.

WOMAN: But your penis is there, it’s just really small.

MAN: Well, by stealing I meant “make smaller.”

WOMAN: What about the fact that you can’t get an erection?

MAN: Penis Sorcerer.  Also I think he had something to do with my apartment bathroom being really gross.

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