So this was a picture from the after party for Paris Hilton’s new movie “The Hottie and the Nottie,” Which is about a guy who is in love with a hot chick, only to have her ugly friend get in the way. Unclear whether hilarity ensues. I’m guessing it does so unintentionally.
Looking at the above picture, you’re probably thinking, “He posted that because it shows Paris Hilton dancing with a midget and midgets are funny.” You’d be wrong my friend. I posted that picture because I wanted to give you a reference point before you laid your eyes on this picture:
See, this proves once and for all that A)Tom Cruise dresses inappropriately for parties, and B)Is in fact a 3 foot tall midget. I’m telling you, when they shoot his movies they put him in front of the camera and then the guy he’s talking to in the scene is like 200 yards away, so on camera it looks like they’re the same size. I’ve seen the behind the scenes of Lord of the Rings, this happens people.
We got ahold of the Tom Cruise Scientology video that the scientologists played before they gave him his Butthole Trophy of Magnificent Award for lifelong achievement of being a cult member. (I’m totally getting killed for writing that sentence.) This video has a lot of terrifying/hilarious parts, but my favorite is his condescending laughter when talking about something called SPs. Then he mentions a lot of other acronyms that I didn’t understand and am too lazy too look up. Hey, if I’m already dead I may as well spend my time doing something I enjoy (masturbating while blogging. And masturbating.)
Cruise recently accepted the Freedom Medal of Valor award at an International Association of Scientologists Event.
The Freedom Medal of Valor award? What the hell kind of name is that? It’s like they filled out a fucking mad libs. In fact, here, you can make your own award using this:
The (Noun)(Type of Award) of (Adjective) Award
I came up with “The Butthole Trophy of Magnificent Award.” I’m not sure why, but I’m going to give it to Rebbeca Romijn-Stamos.
When Cruise accepts the award, he goes on to say:
“Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident…you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.”
Really? What the fuck am I doing calling triple AAA then when I get a flat tire? Do Scientologists give me the first seven miles of towing free also?
“Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean.”
Romp and play? Apparently Tom Cruise thinks he’s a nymph in a Greek Myth. I’d say he’s now officially, “don’t turn your back to him or he might hump/bite you” crazy. Still though, love that Jerry Maguire movie.
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