Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt In Stupid Love

Sometimes I wish I was incredibly stupid and good looking, because life is so much simpler for those people.  You see something shiny and you get happy and excited.  Then someone touches your penis and it feels good and you call it a day.

Usmagazine.com reports:

Heidi Montag spent Valentine’s with beau Spencer Pratt on a yacht.

“We went on a little sailing safari, which was really fun,” Montag said, later adding.  “We actually crashed.  The driver of our boat crashed into three other boats.  I was so scared!  I thought we were about to sink!”

First of all, if you almost crash, the trip ceases to be “really fun.”  I was on a boat once that almost crashed and everybody practically shit their pants in fear except for a retarded kid who was enjoying it like he just watched his favorite team win the Super Bowl.    I bring him up only because that’s exactly the reaction I imagine these two morons having while people on the other boats they collided with were screaming for their children and saying prayers.

Secondly, why were they driving so recklessly when it’s a f-ing lesiure cruise?  Were they fleeing Cuba?  Who the hell was driving this boat?

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7 Greatest Valentine’s Day Diseases

Because sometimes you just don’t know what to get your lover for Valentines Day.

7. Gonorrhea

NICKNAME: The Clap

WHAT IS IT: A bacteria that infects the man’s urethra and the woman’s cervix. It also likes to party in the rectum.

SYMPTOMS: As quickly as 2 days after you get it, women may get “vaginal discharge,” which would be the name of my first album if I had a rock band. Men get an inflamed urethra which your penis will alert you of by releasing small amounts of pus.

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: Much like the New York Giants, over the last few years Gonorrhea has built up quite a defense. Most antibiotics used to treat the bacteria are ineffective, but there are still a few like Ampicillin and Levfloxacin that still work on most strains.

FUN FACT!: Some say it’s nickname “The Clap” is derived from the old French word “clapier,” meaning “brothel.” Yet another reason to hate the French.

6. Trichomoniasis Vaginalis

Nickname: T-Vag

WHAT IS IT: An anaerobic, parasitic, flaggelated protozoan infection. In other words, it’s a little oval with tiny arm-like thingies that infest your vagina. So, basically it’s like a smaller version of Bill Maher.

SYMPTOMS: Well, there’s the ever-popular “greenish-yellow frothy vaginal secretions,” but more commonly you get pneumonia, bronchitis, and oral lesions. Oh yeah, that’s how T-vag likes to party!

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: A nice dose of Metronidazole will do the trick. It should also be given right away to sexual partners of the infected. Maybe bring that up in a crowded place clear of anything that can be used as a weapon.

FUN FACT!: T-vag, unlike Lance Bass, does not enjoy being inside an anus. It’s almost impossible for it to grow there. This does not mean you should use this information in your effort to talk your girlfriend into anal sex. That’s probably a bad idea.

Continue reading…

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You Forgot Valentine’s Day, Didn’t You?

OK, so you totally forgot it was Valentine’s Day tomorrow and you haven’t gotten him or her anything (except herpes, which he or she will “receive” in a year.) Instead of freaking out, running over to the Hallmark store and buying a crappy card and a stupid bear, go to callmecasanova.com. Choose from assorted gift options like Zales jewelry, balloons or flowers, which they will ship directly to your recipient with a pre-written love poem that won’t try to rhyme the word “Nantucket.” In addition, you can include all your special someone’s special dates so thoughtful gifts will be automatically shot off to them on birthdays, anniversaries and hump days.

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