If there was an Internet election, I would vote for this kid to be the Sultan Emperor Prime Minister King of the World Wide Web. He is the champion of the Internet. Watching him hand a verbal beatdown to everyone who made fun of his Youtube video is like watching a mom scold her child for crapping it’s pants at the mall. He just went on the Internet to give his opinions about the Denver Broncos and he has to put up with some asshole saying he “has testicles in his mouth.” Why can’t it just be about the Denver Broncos and not about mouth testicles? This is a question I’ve been asking the Internet for years, so I’m glad someone finally has the guts (I was going to say “balls,” but I think this post has enough testicle references) to come out and ask the questions we’re all too afraid to ask.
I don’t think this video needs any explanation. It is what it is: A man wearing a mask made out of firecracker-laden bananas. Then, he calmly and deliberately lights the firecrackers while still wearing the banana mask. (The best one, by far, is at the 1:42 mark.)
I have no idea if this was made on a dare, as a prank on humanity or if it was entered into the “Make A Video That Would Simultaneously Scare And Soothe You” contest. All I know is that I’m glad it exists.
If this isn’t the weirdest thing you’ve seen today, then please send an email to feedback@holytaco.com with a link to what IS the weirdest thing you’ve seen today. Chances are we’ll post it.
Other crap to look at:
Lindsay Lohan hit the paparazzi (drunkenstepfather)
Moran Atias is attractive (doubleviking)
Dorota Roda Rabczewska is hotter than her name (gorillamask)
Old lady faceplants hard (nothingtoxic)
Ninja cat attacks without moving (EJB)
Kid does his best ostrich impersonation (cameltap)
Make a hot girl laugh (comedy.com)
The 5 fastest ways to make the world’s smallest man feel smaller (bestweekever)
Megan Fox in a bikini for GQ (Flisted)
Jessica Alba in Esquire (Funtasticas)
Passed out Mets fan turns into a fan favorite (tastybooze)
There’s nothing worse than driving along, minding your own business when you hit a pothole that causes your car to first totally bottom out, and then catch air like your Luke Duke in the General Lee.
Other crap to look at:
SHauna Sand keeps it classy (drunkenstepfather)
Ariadne Artiles hates clothes (gorillamask)
Reka Ebergenyi also hates clothes (doubleviking)
Gabriela Vergara? Yep, hates ‘em too (tastybooze)
Amy Winehouse is a natural beauty (theblemish)
Two girls viciously beat the crap out of each other (nothingtoxic)
Fred loses his meds (EJB)
Maddona’s vaginal concert at Wembley stadium (bestweekever)
Tila Tequila in inked magazine (cameltap)
I’m a sucker for a good “animals screwing behind reporter doing a live broadcast” video. This one I think is extra special for a few reasons. First, I had no idea pig’s made noises like that when they screw. He sounds more like his penis got caught inside her vagina, and that her vagina is going to explode in 10 seconds. Secondly, I love that the pig nudges her several times to let her know he wants to have sex. What man out there hasn’t done basically the exact same thing? Thirdly, I think we can all agree that if there were an asian man helping us while we were doing it, things would go a lot smoother.
The next time you take a plane ride that will involve a little zero gravity, you may want to bring your dog and leave your girlfriend at home. As you can see from these two videos, they have two very different reactions. Here’s what’s going through each of their minds as they hit zero gravity:
Girl: Oh my God oh my God oh my god. Please stop! I want to go home. Don’t! Why did I come on this stupid trip. God I hate planes! Oh no, I’m totally going to puke. Oh God. Here it comes. If I cover my face no one will know. I just puked. Covering my face didn’t work. My glasses are covered in puke and I may have yakked on that bitch next to me. Well, she dragged me on this trip. Stupid bitch. Oh no, I think I might puke again…
Dog: This flight is going pretty nicely. I wonder why they brought me along? Oh hey, I’m floating. Let’s go see what these guys are doing. I wonder if I’ll get some sausages later. Man, I love sausages. Hey guys, what’s up? Whoa, back on the floor now. Are there any sausages down here?
Other crap to look at:
Drum roll please: The Mini Me sex tape hits the Internet today (drunkenstepfather)
Man brutally attacked on subway with sledgehammer (nothingtoxic)
Breanne Ashley is attractive (gorillamask)
A rap battle gets translated (comedy.com)
Jeanette Biedermann in lingerie (cameltap)
Sarita Stella? Also attractive (doubleviking)
Holly Madison and her slut crew (hornyoyster)
A bartender’s worst nightmare (tastybooze)
There’s a new Sarah Palin doll (BestWeekEver)
Jessica Simpson screws up onstage (theblemish)
It’s a song about socks (EJB)
Kendra Wilkinson likes to play dress up (FListed)
I can’t really explain this. I can’t explain why children are playing in a penis slide and I really can’t explain the song that’s playing. I’m not sure why someone made this slide, or why someone would let their child play in it, so I’m just going to let you deal with this on your own. Good luck.
Other crap to look at:
This kid chugs 6 beers in 10 seconds (EJB)
Kristin Cavallari is drunk (drunkenstepfather)
Giorgia Palmas in a bikini (doubleviking)
He’s an awesome human beatbox (cameltap)
Rosie Jones is topless (hornyoyster)
Mentos and Diet Coke Booby Trap (tastybooze)
Rocio Guirao Diaz is attractive (gorillamask)
How Italians do business (funtasticus)
Rumer Willis hates her chin (TheBlemish)
Olician Munn is attractive (Flisted)
If Usher was Vishnu, this is what he would do all day long (BestWeekEver)
Angry bull knocks rider out cold in chute (nothingtoxic)
This is what Linda Blair looks like naked (MrSkin)
The Big Lebowski is 10 years old (BushLeague)
I can’t figure out the worst part about this video. Is it the song, the woman singing the song, the music video itself, or the motorcycle guy’s mullet? They all seem to be equally terrible. So, if two negatives make a positive, then four negatives might make a totally awesome positive. I don’t really understand quantum physics, but using the Copenhagen Interpretation of the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox*, I think this video has so many negative components that the wave-particle duality actually inverses on itself to become the greatest video in the universe.
I asked a quantum physicist to see if my formula was correct. This was his response:
Quantum Physicist: No, this video sucks. Shut up.
Well, now we have our answer. Still, it’s kind of a catchy tune.
*I have no idea what those terms mean. I found them on wikipedia.
American heavy metal bands like Slayer and Metallica and Cannibal Corpse could learn a lesson from their Japanese counterpart. If you go into the studio with your vocal tracks totally perfect (if you hang on til the one minute mark you’ll see why), then you won’t need to spend a lot of time overdubbing and tweaking your songs. It’s simple. Anyone with ears can tell that this Japanese guy is the consummate professional. He had clearly worked very perfecting his songs before he even got into the studio. And clearly his hard work paid off. I mean, this song is clearly in the can and he’s ready to knock out the next one.
Other crap to look at:
Keeley Hazell and her delicious cleavage (cameltap)
Paris Hilton’s push up bra (drunkenstepfather)
The greatest inspirational speech of all time (doubleviking)
Nicky Fleites is attractive (tastybooze)
Christine Marie LeMaster is attractive (gorillamask)
Keryn Franco is another Olympic beauty (funtasticus)
Kevin Spacey grabbed some dude’s ass (TheBlemish)
Britney Spears new bikini body (FListed)
Bert and Ernie were thugs (BestWeekEver)
Really painful chin plant on bike jump (nothingtoxic)
Jenna Jameson nude in Private Parts (MrSkin)
What’s worst than catching your parents having sex? This. (DonChavez)
Just because it’s a holiday doesn’t mean we can’t learn a little something about E Coli from Marbles. Happy Labor Day.
Other crap to look at:
Samantha Harris hates clothes (gorillamask)
30 Porniest American Apparel Ads (BestWeekEver)
TV host bitch slaps annoying emo guest (nothingtoxic)
Playboy cyber girl of the week (MrSkin)
Star Wars and Rush Hour remix (doubleviking)
Should Eva Longoria do underwear ads? (Funtasticus)
Sophie Monk shows off her legs (drunkenstepfather)
The many faces of Jessica Simpson (TheBlemish)
The Top 10 Real Men of Genius ads (IAmBored)
Adrienne Curry loves sushi (read: vagina) (FListed)
Keyless entry system that James Bond would be proud of (Inventorspot)
It seems like the citizens of Spain spend the majority of their days having siestas, making racist gestures, and messing around with bulls. What is it with this country? I would have thought that tricking bulls with flashy capes and tight-fitting sequined outfits and running desperately through the streets with them would’ve been enough to quench Spain’s seemingly insatiable thirst to watch a man comingle with a bull. But I guess they just hadn’t thought of jumping over them yet. And now they have.
Other crap to look at:
Pamela Anderson and her old lady boobs (drunkenstepfather)
Ericka Underwood is attractive (gorillamask)
The most random TV show ever (BestWeekEver)
Truck smashes into other cars (cameltap)
Danielle Lloyd in a bikini (doubleviking)
Hollyoaks babes in Loaded (hornyoyster)
Hyena devours a wildebeast (nothingtoxic)
Denise Richards show got cancelled (theBlemish)
Myspace vs Celebrity: Who’s Hotter (tastybooze)
Old lady freaks out on Ellen (comedy.com)
Eva Mendes goes down…under (FListed)
You think just because someone’s elected, they get to be president? No sir, before anybody moves into the White House, they have to pass an entrance exam.
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