A lot of you probably spend your days pondering the ins and outs of the Holy Taco office. How do we crank out so much comedy? What kind of sandwiches do we eat? How many felonies do we have between us? There’s a lot of questions and not many answers we’re willing to provide. But we are willing to tell you how we manage sick days. Why? Because most of the staff took a sick day today. I like to think it was because yesterday I not only neglected to flush the toilet but I insisted everyone crowd into the stall to admire the terror I had wrought.
At your job, you probably call in sick a few times a month after putting on your best sick voice to make it seem genuine, and then spend the rest of the day playing Xbox and eating chicken wings –it’s what I used to do when I worked at Staples. Incidentally, never work at Staples; they have a strict policy about not supporting your habit of staying home to play Xbox and at chicken wings. What a bunch of assholes.
Here at Holy Taco, calling in sick is a much more involved than it is at Staples. For one, people care here as we have real work to do, unlike the employees of Staples. Have you ever read Douglas Coupland’s The Gum Thief? That’s exactly what Staples is like. Just awful. We have three articles, two link dumps, a gallery, a video and GIFs every weekday. Staples has ink cartridges and overpriced electronics. Oh, and lots of paper. You need a case of copy paper? How white do you need it? We have three people dedicated to telling you about how white it is.
Generally when someone calls in sick here we make them forward a doctor’s note, and it better be a good one. We no longer accept VD as a reason to call in sick, or your lesser intensity respiratory ailments. If you’re not contagious we still need you to pop in for at least a half day. You don’t need to eat lunch but you should still bring in a bagged lunch that the rest of us might enjoy as pudding is pretty popular here. One time we managed to convince the Snack Pack people that we were a non-profit children’s mentoring organization and they sent us a whole skid of pudding, it was awesome. Try doing that at Staples.
If you can’t make it to work at Holy Taco, it means the whole day is thrown off kilter. Literally tens of people laugh at the jokes we make. If you can’t make it in to work at Staples it means your lazy ass manager is going to have to pretend to know something about ball point pens. Literally no one else will care. By the transitive properties of our inability to understand how to finish this thought, Holy Taco is tens of times more crucial to the survival and well being of mankind than Staples. And if Staples employs about 90,000 people (according to Wikipedia) then Holy Taco is necessary for the daily well being of no less than 900,000 individuals and, very likely, 9 million. So when everyone called in sick today they basically told 9 million of you to go suck it and buy an overpriced latptop that you can’t use for gaming.
On behalf of the staff of Holy Taco, at home playing Xbox right now and eating chicken wings, we hope you’re all having a good day. Buy your office furniture at a store that cares about what’s important.