It recently came to my attention that there’s a site called Rottonbox that literally posts everything you’ll see on Holy Taco, even the crappy articles we farm out to Guatemalan comedy sites. Every piece of content we put up populates on their site. This article will populate on their site so I must choose the words in this article very carefully. Very carefully. I sometimes wonder if the webmaster of Rottonbox got gonorrhea from playing softy swords with a homeless male prostitute. That would be unfortunate for him. Probably that homeless chap as well.
Knowing that we’re being punked wholesale by what appears to not even be an active human presence but a program set up to simply copy all our content, I was moved to try to find a way to sabotage this. And of course, this required I think like a robot. A robot who I hope can’t honestly say the webmaster of Rottonbox got a burning, viscous penis infection from practicing an act known as “docking” where one person attempts to insert their penis into the foreskin of another. In this case, a homeless male prostitute down by the docks.
If you know me you know I know robots. That’s a lot of knows in one sentence, a sentence that didn’t even speculate as to whether or not the webmaster of Rottonbox once lured a stray dog to his yard so he could try to get his finger in the poor animal’s heiney. After all, why would anyone even do that? It’d be weird. And irrelevant. This is about robots.
Only the most powerful robot intellects would serve me in this journey, so I had to do some research, and that meant Netflix. Ah, Netflix, you never let down the serious scholar. You also have no movies about how the webmaster of Rottonbox has more than once volunteered to be a human toilet for Amy Winehouse. If that was a movie, I like to think Colin Farrel would star in it. Is it just me or can you almost smell him when he’s on screen? And Alexander? Seriously? Anyway, to the robots!
If there’s one thing I know, it’s Robocop. Not only do I own the trilogy, I even saw the terrible, terrible TV show. Plus the made for TV movies. Plus I donated to help build the statue of Robocop in Detroit. Really? No, but I would have if I had. How would Robocop deal with a rogue computer program stealing his hard work?
Since Robocop’s hard work is killing Clarence Boddicker, we need to consider what he’d do to someone stopping him from killing Clarence Boddicker. But wait, didn’t someone already try to stop Robocop from killing Clarence Boddicker? F*ck yes! Dick Jones! That smug bastard. And what happened to Dick Jones? He got his ass blown right out of a window. And he got fired from his job, which is less devastating in comparison, though it shouldn’t be forgotten since he had a pretty weighty position at OCP. But still, in relation to being shot out of a window to his death it seems less pressing.
With some minor adjustments in this line of robo reasoning, I’m forced to conclude that, if I were to enact vengeance upon RottOnbox in a Robocop fashion, my only course of action is to locate the actual, physical servers and hurl them from a great height to their doom. And, possibly, I may need a lower level employee to get smashed through a vat of toxic waste.
Not every robot needs to use the grim façade of Peter Weller to solve its problems, or a gun. My gut instinct was to go with R2D2 on this entry but I thought C-3PO needed props because he’s spent the last 25 years being mocked as a gold-plated nancy who does nothing when in fact that’s not entirely true. Yes, he’ a gold-plated nancy, a programming choice that seems questionable at best especially since it came from a little slave boy, but let’s not forget that he also managed to dupe an entire village of primitive teddy bear people that he was a god. That’s where moral turpitude begins, people. Today you just pretend to be a god for a minute, tomorrow you’re taking your 10th wife and demanding your groin be scented with rose water all day long.
C-3PO’s hard work is mostly being a nag and doing very little in an effeminate manner. Now, logically, if someone stole his ability to both do nothing and be effeminate, he would have to do something in a manly fashion. Who’s the most proactive “manly” idiot you ca think of? Maybe someone who does things without the benefit of forethought, just to get them done? Kanye West. So I will have to constantly Tweet poorly thought out bullshit about Rottonbox. Seems easy enough. Check out our Twitter!
I have to cherry pick my Terminator here because, frankly, a lot of that post Schwarzenegger stuff sucked ass. Plus Terminator 3 also sucked ass. So basically I just mean parts 1 and 2. Please don’t defend the Sarah Connor Chronicles. I didn’t make it suck ass, its immense anal suction did.
The Terminator’s job, on the surface, is pretty easy to understand, it just wants to kill someone. In every movie someone has to screw that up to a greater or lesser degree. How do we deal with that? Parts 1 and 2 taught us this situation can only be resolved in an industrial setting. We either need vats of molten liquid or, in a pinch, some kind of machine that just crushes stuff in a press for some reason. Crush presses were huge in the 80’s, all good factories had them. It’s how they made Sunny D originally.
Anyway, to get the full Terminator effect in my vengeance upon Rottonbox, I’m just going to have to crush them in a crush press thing. There’s really no way around it. Unless the website is made of futuristic liquid metal, in which case a melting is in their future. But if it is made of futuristic liquid metal, and I’m really not being modest here, you’re really wasting your time just copying Holy Taco. You should totally be making up Kardashian porn or something.
I don’t know if you know this, but Bumblebee, and really most of the Transformers in general, seem a bit robotarded. But really, Bumblebee is the most ridiculous. First, he can’t talk. He’s a robot. Not just a robot but a robot created by a spacey gizmo that can turn a Mountain Dew machine into a fully sentient being. Don’t feed me no bullshit about him not talking, he’s just an idiot. He was made out of some piss poor materials or something. Need more proof? He’s the only Transformer that has to put on a helmet to get his work done. May as well have named him Special Ed.
That said, Bumblebee’s job seems to be really poor reconnaissance work. How poor? He’s a living being who elects to simply sit in a garage disguised as a car for days on end. But he does fight back when pressed so, in true Bumblebee fashion, I think I know how to take on Rottonbox – I need Michael Bay to hurl me in slow motion at Rottonbox while everything around me explodes and, presumably, many dozens of innocents are left dead in my wake. At the end my legs might not work, and maybe most of the city will have been destroyed, but Rottonbox will be busted ass.
The super intelligent and remarkably accommodating AI from the Matrix was made up of a hell of a lot of robot bugs and some Elrond software. Cool. These guys were some problem solvers. They turned the entirety of mankind into a solution to not just the problem of mankind itself, but the problem of what the hell happened to that Duracell factory? These guys are go-getters who can work a lot of angles. If I want to use that kind of approach with Rottonbox, I need to think long term and grand scale.
Should I use Rottonbox to power my very existence? Of course not, I’m not a real robot, I’m just thinking like one. So what does power my existence and how can I take advantage of that whilst destroying this site? I imagine I’ll need to beat the shit out of someone with a George Foreman grill so I can make a burger afterwards. Makes sense.
Now, the big issue with all of my robo solution is, of course, that I need direct contact to enact my vengeance in all of this circumstances. And as near as I can figure, Rottonbox was registered by someone in Korea. Do you have any idea how far away Korea is? Neither do I, but the bus by my house only goes downtown then it loops back, so f*ck Korea. I’ll have to think of a more human and imperfect solution to deal with Rottonbox. In the meantime, I hope no one is suggesting that the webmaster of Rottonbox once gave Rohypnol to a wild turkey and then made awkward, despicable love to the bird.