Alright, let's see: this guy's driving a 2004 Honda Civic that's completely beat to shit. There's no way this idiot can afford a traffic ticket. Well, I might as well utilize my position of authority to ruin his entire month. ...
WTF?! This is ridiculous. Somebody else is singing another Michael Jackson song right before me? I understand that the guy died, but that doesn't mean you have to pound his entire music library into the ground. I always sing Thriller at karaoke. Always. That's my go-to karaoke song. I don't...
That’s weird. I thought there would be a bigger line. Okay, focus. When the door opens these eight people are gonna stampede into the store, and I have got to make sure I get one of these new Iphones. It’s the three GS. I think the "S" stands for "solver,"...
Do I get the trophy now, or do I have to listen to Jerry Buss’s son give another speech that sounded like it was written by that retarded kid from the Make-A-Wish foundation that I gave my e-mail address to because reporters were around. I won a championship...
What the-? What’s going – am I awake? Why is my crotch cold? Oh no, I pissed myself. Jesus, I thought I was done with that. Wait a - hmm, this is sticky. Did I forget that I hid chocolate in the bed or some- OH SHIT. WET DREAM WET...
Okay, nice, I have the whole bathroom to myself. Don’t have to worry if any weird noises come out of my as—great someone just came in. Ugh. Maybe they just came in to pee. Nope, passed the urinals. The stall right next to me? Really? You’re actively choosing to put...
Ugh, I’m so tired. I can’t believe that asshole Tim Jenkins passed off his report to me. It’s his friggin report! I just sent him some data he needed, and now suddenly – whoa, wife just grabbed my penis. Was that on purpose or did she just roll over and...
Why did I agree to play this, I fucking hate scrabble? Ugh, these letters I have are total crap. Is "f-l-o-x-i-n-y" a word? Hmm, I bet I could just put it down and no one would say shit. I should just confidently put it down and be like “floxiny,” and...
What the f$#k, bro? Why is everyone stopped? God dammit! If I don’t get to the gym within forty five minutes, the protein shake I just had will be completely useless! Helloooo, shithead in front of me, there’s seven feet of empty space between you and the car in front...
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
