If I was gonna take over a country, you know what I’d do? I’d get elected president, and then I’d make a new $100 bill
and put all kinds of secret messages in it to make the country socialist. Well guess what? That’s exactly what Obama
is doing, and I’m not happy about it one bit. Take a look at the new $100 bill and see for yourself:
The Ink Well
What’s Different: They’re putting a picture of an inkwell on the front of the bill, and it contains a hologram of a bell inside of it that you can see when you move it back an forth.
Analysis: Holograms?! I’ve seen them in science fiction movies, so I know what holograms are capable of: subliminal messages! Isn’t it convenient that this new $100 bill comes out during the Obama regime? I mean, they had the same money all the way through the Bush years, but as soon as they want to turn the whole country socialist, I start getting subliminal holograms in my bank account! I guess I’ll have to just protect that part of my brain by keeping it distracted, so it’s a good thing I taped all those Jeff Dunham specials on the TV box. He’s my favorite comedian because he’s racist.
The 3-D Ribbon
What’s Different: They’re putting a 3D ribbon in the new $100 bills, and the image changes from a bell to a "100" when you move it back and forth. You’ll also notice that the ribbon is blue.
Analysis: Y’know what else is blue? Those damn aliens in Avatar, and those sons of bitches are as liberal as my yard is burned. They live in small communal groups, they have strange relationships with other species of animals, and calling them tree-huggers would be a huge misunderstatement. Those bastards live in a giant tree and worship a big dandelion! They’re nothin’ but a bunch of Al Gore-worshipping blue skinned liberals, and now they’re striped all over our money and changing our bells to numbers and vice versa. God damn this commie government!
The Secretary of Treasury’s Signature is Moved
What’s Different: On the old $100 bills, the Secretary of Treasury’s signature is located toward the bottom right side of the bill. On the new bill, they’re moving the signature…TO THE LEFT.
Analysis: This is unbelievable. How is everyone not completely freaking out about this? The Secretary of Treasury is the guy who has all of our money, and they’re moving him over to the liberal left. And guess what he’s taking with him: all of our money! From now on, all of our tax dollars are gonna go to crazy liberal things, like making AIDS and paying for illegal immigrants and stuff. Somebody needs to stop these damn Marxist bastards or else God is gonna get pissed.
There’s Orange On It
What’s Different: A gigantic orange "100" is now prominently featured on the bottom right of the front of the bill. There’s also a huge, vertical, orange "100" on the back of the bill.
Analysis: What? There’s orange on my $100 bill?! What happened to the traditional American colors: green and white? That’s what money’s supposed to look like. I guess that’s just too American for President Obamunist up there in his white house at the top of Capitol Hill. Isn’t orange one of the highest colors of terrorist threat levels? Why do they want me to buy things with money that’s covered in symbols of terrorism and 9/11? Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never forget it, but I don’t need to be reminded of it! Orange is also the color of fire, and who likes fire? The Devil, that’s who! Obama likes orange, and the devil likes orange, so that proves my theory that Obama is the Devil. I guess we can finally close the books on that one.
No More Oval Around Franklin
What’s Different: The oval frame encircling Benjamin Franklin’s head has been removed, just like they did with other bill redesigns for smaller denominations.
Analysis: Benjamin Franklin is one of our nation’s greatest heroes. He was a great leader of the Civil War, and he invented the lightbulb which we use every day. He’s the 100th most important person in our nation’s great history, and that’s why the old $100 bill had him encased in a fortified oval womb of safety. Now, Obama and his commie friends have decided to pop Ben Franklin’s womb and expose him to the open air! Our new $100 bill features an aborted Ben Franklin! Look at how lifeless he looks! He’s clearly dead in this rendering. What they’re doing here is trying to trick us into making abortions legal. Well I won’t stand for that one bit. I’ll have to find enough time to threaten an abortion doctor before the rally this afternoon.