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A Teabagger’s Analysis of the New $100 Bill

 
If I was gonna take over a country, you know what I’d do? I’d get elected president, and then I’d make a new $100 bill and put all kinds of secret messages in it to make the country socialist. Well guess what? That’s exactly what Obama is doing, and I’m not happy about it one bit. Take a look at the new $100 bill and see for yourself:

The Ink Well
 
What’s Different: They’re putting a picture of an inkwell on the front of the bill, and it contains a hologram of a bell inside of it that you can see when you move it back an forth.

Analysis: Holograms?! I’ve seen them in science fiction movies, so I know what holograms are capable of: subliminal messages! Isn’t it convenient that this new $100 bill comes out during the Obama regime? I mean, they had the same money all the way through the Bush years, but as soon as they want to turn the whole country socialist, I start getting subliminal holograms in my bank account! I guess I’ll have to just protect that part of my brain by keeping it distracted, so it’s a good thing I taped all those Jeff Dunham specials on the TV box. He’s my favorite comedian because he’s racist.
 
The 3-D Ribbon
 
What’s Different: They’re putting a 3D ribbon in the new $100 bills, and the image changes from a bell to a "100" when you move it back and forth. You’ll also notice that the ribbon is blue.

Analysis: Y’know what else is blue? Those damn aliens in Avatar, and those sons of bitches are as liberal as my yard is burned. They live in small communal groups, they have strange relationships with other species of animals, and calling them tree-huggers would be a huge misunderstatement. Those bastards live in a giant tree and worship a big dandelion! They’re nothin’ but a bunch of Al Gore-worshipping blue skinned liberals, and now they’re striped all over our money and changing our bells to numbers and vice versa. God damn this commie government! 
 
The Secretary of Treasury’s Signature is Moved
 

What’s Different: On the old $100 bills, the Secretary of Treasury’s signature is located toward the bottom right side of the bill. On the new bill, they’re moving the signature…TO THE LEFT.
 
Analysis: This is unbelievable. How is everyone not completely freaking out about this? The Secretary of Treasury is the guy who has all of our money, and they’re moving him over to the liberal left. And guess what he’s taking with him: all of our money! From now on, all of our tax dollars are gonna go to crazy liberal things, like making AIDS and paying for illegal immigrants and stuff. Somebody needs to stop these damn Marxist bastards or else God is gonna get pissed.
 
There’s Orange On It

What’s Different: A gigantic orange "100" is now prominently featured on the bottom right of the front of the bill. There’s also a huge, vertical, orange "100" on the back of the bill.
 
Analysis: What? There’s orange on my $100 bill?! What happened to the traditional American colors: green and white? That’s what money’s supposed to look like. I guess that’s just too American for President Obamunist up there in his white house at the top of Capitol Hill. Isn’t orange one of the highest colors of terrorist threat levels? Why do they want me to buy things with money that’s covered in symbols of terrorism and 9/11? Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never forget it, but I don’t need to be reminded of it! Orange is also the color of fire, and who likes fire? The Devil, that’s who! Obama likes orange, and the devil likes orange, so that proves my theory that Obama is the Devil. I guess we can finally close the books on that one.
 
No More Oval Around Franklin
 
What’s Different: The oval frame encircling Benjamin Franklin’s head has been removed, just like they did with other bill redesigns for smaller denominations.
  
Analysis: Benjamin Franklin is one of our nation’s greatest heroes. He was a great leader of the Civil War, and he invented the lightbulb which we use every day. He’s the 100th most important person in our nation’s great history, and that’s why the old $100 bill had him encased in a fortified oval womb of safety. Now, Obama and his commie friends have decided to pop Ben Franklin’s womb and expose him to the open air! Our new $100 bill features an aborted Ben Franklin! Look at how lifeless he looks! He’s clearly dead in this rendering. What they’re doing here is trying to trick us into making abortions legal. Well I won’t stand for that one bit. I’ll have to find enough time to threaten an abortion doctor before the rally this afternoon.
 

51 Responses to "A Teabagger’s Analysis of the New $100 Bill"

  1. Glen Beck says:

    I’m going to rape and murder you. Or maybe murder and rape you.

  2. 61 says:

    Yeah, nothing like crouching on someones face to explain your political beliefs. In any case tea baggers (that never gets old, ah goofy sex acts) only selectively argue parts of the constitution, so by their very nature are full of crap. Ask them about the second amendment and they will tell you about how its their right to bear arms. What they disregard is the sentence that precedes it and what that implies. If you look at the grammar and the historical context, what the second amendment suggests and what tea baggers (still funny) interpret it to say are totally different. Great job following the constitution. And thats just a single example. Ridiculous.

  3. Shaft4012 says:

    i guess Owensboro has banned satire and sarcasm?

  4. Moose Party Participant says:

    If you didn’t see the correspondence of sarcasm early in the piece to the “facts” in the last bit then I’m not entirely sure where you found the intelligence needed to navigate to a comment box.
    Idiots. On a side note, every time one refers to someone or oneself as a teabagger it makes me think of halo and giggle. That is all.

  5. Spirk says:

    Yay politics! Will you people shut up please. Its a joke. Its called sat..saty…satir…sarcasm! They are making fun of the tea baggers by exaggerating their stupidity…or, they think they are exaggerating it, but if you notice, they do very well on the spelling. So at least they think the tea baggers can spell, even if they don’t know their history.

  6. tron says:

    For real… stick to boob pics and fart jokes.

  7. justin says:
    We’re not allowed to post boob pics, and we usually make shit jokes rather than fart jokes. Have you ever even been to Holy Taco before?
  8. tron says:

    I have been to Holy Taco before, in fact its one of my favorite sites. The underlying motive for my comment was that you can’t have it both ways. By that I mean base a site off near nude women and poop, and then try to make a profound political satire because you hate a group of people. While not everyone is a Tea partier, not everyone is a liberal either.

  9. You're an Idiot says:

    Did a 5th grader write this?

  10. Booya says:

    the only problem about them changing it in the Obama years is that the treasury has to update the currency every 7-10yrs to stay ahead of counterfeiters

  11. frank says:

    Don’t you think it’s kinda racist to assume that if people are up in arms, it’s because the guy is black? Seems like more of a cop out to not have to adress the issues…

  12. sick bastard says:

    someone really needs to massacre those Tea Party freaks

  13. justin says:
    You’re right. Politics and comedy should never cohabitate. I’ll let Comedy Central and SNL know that half of their programming is futile.
  14. fats jobless says:

    oh no, they combine well, you just do it like shit.

  15. shit-sock says:

    I agree that most tea party members have racial underlying issues as motive but some and very few have good points. With that said where were these people when bush was blatantly letting the country and its economy go to shite. That’s when those so called patriots known as tea bagers should have risen, but guess they can’t stand a black man running things so that gets them to unite, racism that is. Always a good catalyst for getting old white people who miss the days of segregation and weekly lynchings on the town square where they proudly wave old glory.

  16. Joe The Asshole says:

    Yeah… I need at least 3 pics of almost naked hawt ladies to start working.

    BTW, my girlfriend thinks I spent to much time in this page :P

  17. monkey-lover says:

    wow…i think this was the least funny thing i’ve ever seen you guys post. why don’t you do yourselves a favor and leave politics out of your agenda since your obvious lack of political awareness renders your articles more pitiful than comical.

  18. Libertarian Gun Owner says:

    wow, these lefties sure are making good ol’ uncle Joe Stalin and daddy Hitler proud…

  19. Libertarian Gun Owner says:

    Actually, us Libertarians and Glenn Beck have been saying these things for years, and unlike you, we don’t give a shit about race, economic standing, or “gender identification” or whatever other excuse you want to use. All we care about is the Constitution of the United States of America.

  20. Libertarian Gun Owner says:

    A Libertarians analysis of the News $100 Bill:

    This piece of paper is worth $100 because the Federal Reserve (a group of un-elected, un-accountable PRIVATE bankers) says it is. Good luck with that, I think I’ll stick with my gold and my guns.

  21. aPlateOfGrapes says:

    True that. Most people don’t understand what the Fed is or how they have been fucking the American people since 1913.

  22. Chicoson says:

    While I do not consider myself a libertarian, I completely agree with this point. Also, it’s okay because in one year it will be worth $80, then in 5 years $20. But we should spend more money on government entitlements, because spending a crapload of money is how to save money! Oh yeah, and you are a racist if you don’t believe that.

  23. jon van winkle says:

    Dear Teabagger, please check facts about Ben Franklin. He lived and died a long time before the Civil War. And he did not invent the lightbulb,ever hear of Thomas Edison? Where the hell are you from? You know very little of American history to be so hip on new U.S. currency….your no expert…Get facts right, you make others look bad with your ignorance. In Owensboro Ky.

  24. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Congratulations, HolyTaco has done it again;

    FAIL!!!!

  25. danag says:

    i cant tell if this is a joke or not….if it is this guy is retarded…..also has no credibility whatsoever….ben franklin didn’t invent the lightbulb…..dumbass

  26. lol says:

    this is actually quite accurate

    some right wingers are batshit insane, some of the snhit they come away with is rather mental, hell just look ar Sarah Palin lmao, crazy backwards bitch that she is

  27. DoseJiaz says:

    Fuck you for this, Holy Taco. If you’re going to insult, condescend and make sweeping generalizations, at least do it in a funny way.
    For you pretentious, idiot libs, Tea Partiers generally consist of conservatives who value our constitution and understand the importance of taxation. We’re not fucking anarchists, and don’t seek to rid of it completely, but instead reduce, limit and use what’s gathered in a prudent manner.

  28. as;doghf says:

    bush didnt directly blow all that money imediatly, but he started a war that has cost us trillions. not to mention his huge amount of failed policies. he also doubled the size of the federal government. teabaggers are just hippocrites. and i do understand there worried and whatnot but it seems like they dont really have an understanding of how our government works. we pay taxes. that pays the police, the military, the roads, the nat’l parks, social security, our schools, etc. and obama has also made some of the biggest tax cuts in history. poeple are mad becuase the rich are finally paying there fair share of taxes. it also seems like they want no government, or at least very little of it, and every one should be neighborly. you know what that system of government is called? communism.

  29. Jay Deuce says:

    I hate to burst your bubble. But, Ben didn’t invent the light bulb. He found electricity. Also it’s the Illegle’s taking our money by working here and sending the money back to their family in Mexico.

  30. 9 says:

    Everyone knows that. It’s supposed to be a joke about the narrow minded ways the tea party protestors think. And how little about our history they actually know.
    Oh and it’s *illegals there Champ.

  31. 10 says:

    I would wager a large amount that if you gave a history test to the tea party participants they would do a hell of a lot better than your average American citizen. I can’t figure out why everybody loves to rip the tea party groups. Who is actually in favor of higher taxes and bigger Government? I can’t imagine a single reader of this site says “man, my taxes are too low” or “man, if only the Govt. was bigger and had more control of my life”. Before everybody blows them off as some group of rednecks, listen to what they are saying. If you like the govt. going to huge debts, then dump on the tea party all you want, if not, stop and listen for 2 seconds before you pass judgment.

  32. john Goodman says:

    Tea baggers are such idiots. I’ll take your bet, now lets organize and get all the teabaggers to take an american history test. You douche bagger.

  33. 11 says:

    Yawn. I guess that means you don’t want roads, interwebs (including porn), schools or electricity, military, and all the other things since they are all either paid from taxes or their infrastructure set up because of taxes. Perhaps we should go back to the days of bartering and you can trade chickens for surgery. Or something like that. Please, STFU.

  34. 12 says:

    Well I will pass judgement when you have members of the tea party in all parts of the country publicly using out racial slurs…Plus even john mccain’s daughter says its a cover for racism.

  35. Chicoson says:

    Actually John Goodman, the NYT just came out and published a story about how the Tea Party movement is higher educated than the average American citizen, especially in history. Of course, the article later contorted these facts to insult the Tea Party, but what else would we expect.

    And 12, well if John McCain’s daughter said it it must be true. Maybe not as reliable a source as Jon Stewart or Wikipedia, but at least she has some pull with people (you).

  36. 42 says:

    So … too bad the teabaggers weren’t around 8 years ago, when a past administration decided to start spending our money like drunken sailors on a phony war (WMDs??), not to mention driving the economy over a cliff. Fiscal conservatives, yeah.

  37. AnonymousXX says:

    Hmm. Obama has spent 5 times more than Bush did, and in 1/6th the time. Im pretty sure you dont know what you’re talking about. The teabaggers, on the other hand, generally do.

  38. 10 says:

    Nobody claimed Bush 43 was a fiscal conservative. That is why many conservative republicans didn’t like him either. It appears all those who want to dump on the tea party members really love the national debt where it’s at and where it’s going. A year ago before the now 14+ trillion debt we now have, each citizen’s portion of the national debt was around 35,000 (each and every person no matter what age). So if you are all ok with that, then dump away on the tea party.

  39. SCHMIDT IS GAY says:

    FIRST BIIIIIIITCHES … SUCK MY DICK SCHMIDT!

  40. Joe The Asshole says:

    Good for you, this must be the best day in your life… now go on and get FUCKING LIFE BITCH BOY!!!!

    Have a nice day,this message has been payed by Al Gore and all his green motherfuckers.

  41. Who da? says:

    wtf? whos schmidt?

  42. SCHMIDT says:

    I am….but wait, I already sicked your dick last week! You sure are greedy……

  43. sharky says:

    sicked lol

  44. TWC says:

    That was painful. Stick with pictures.

  45. Jay Deuce says:

    Founded*

  46. JohnnyBrillcream says:

    How much thought did you put into this. it says “Funny Stuff” when I open your web page, this was just bad…..

  47. Tater says:

    Yeah sorry HT. This was awful.

  48. fudgepacker says:

    It is worth something because the gov says it is.

  49. Jo Densen says:

    LOL, these idiot teabaggers clearly have WAY too much spae time on their hands.

    Lou
    http://www.anonymity.vze.com

  50. JohnnyBrillcream says:

    At least us teabaggers can spell.

  51. fats jobless says:

    Stick to posting half naked women, and stealing other people’s shit. Comedic writing is not your strong point.