Ten Emasculating Things You Can Do To Honor International Women’s Day

Today is International Women’s Day. Did you even notice? Probably not, because you’re an insensitive jerk. (Please note before proceeding, this article is for dudes. Sorry to exclude you ladies on your day, but we’re just providing information for clueless guys, so that your day can be much better. You’ll thank us later.) Are you even doing anything to celebrate, boys? You should be acknowledging the holiday in some manner. Why not try abandoning your masculinity? Maybe show the ladies that you’re not afraid…

Paint your nails red.

Paint them super red. If you really give a crap, get a manicure, or have longer fake nails put on. That’ll show ‘em.

Carry a woman’s purse for her while she shops.

This is pretty emasculating, no matter how you feel about gender roles or stereotypes. Do it for the ladies. Force yourself to take your girl out shopping, then carry her purse and her bags the entire time. Then let her post pictures of it to Facebook.

Sell Girl Scout cookies, while wearing a Girl Scout uniform.

Support two good causes at once, and show the world your hairy legs. Several philanthropic causes will be served here: 1. the Girl Scouts will be so appalled at the sight of a grown man in a green skirt, that they’ll never want to look at a man ever again. 2. You’ll sell Girl Scout cookies. 3. You’ll get to eat Girl Scout cookies.

Wear high heels.

See what it’s like, asshole. Then maybe you’ll think twice about mocking those ladies walking through the club barefoot, carrying their shoes.

Sit down to pee.

Not just in the morning of after sex, but all day, for a few days. You’ll hate it, you’ll suffer, you’ll feel castrated. For the ladies.

Allow a man pay for your dinner and drinks.

Don’t know how you’re going to pull this one off without severely disappointing a rich, creepy gay guy. You’ll woo him, he’ll buy you that food and drink, under the guise of “enjoying your company,” then he’ll be pissed when you don’t want to bone him.

Call your mom and cry.

You probably haven’t done either in a while if you’re super concerned about appearing masculine.

Make less money.

Women make less than men, that’s still a thing. So take a pay cut for the day, and take it like a woman… er, a man. What? I’m confused now. You get what we’re saying.

Constantly shield yourself from unwanted sexual advances.

Walk into a shady gay bar at midnight wearing a skin tight sailor suit. Try not to run out screaming until last call. Good luck.

Carry a watermelon in your abdomen for nine months.

Don’t care how you get it in there, just give it a try. You’ll score some serious respect points.