Ten Reasons Justin Bieber Is Not The Father

Oh my word, Biebys have in Biebys! what’s this world coming to?! Just Bieber, a young father? That’d be sad. He’s far too young and too successful to go and do something stupid like have a baby. He is, however rich and famous, and he’s a young man. That means, he’s just as susceptible to gold-digger attacks as someone like Kanye West. The only reason this hasn’t happened before is because Bieber’s primary demographic was too young to realize they could use their wombs as weapons. Most teenage girls don’t know that babies can be a guaranteed source of income for up to eighteen years! Bieber’s denying the accusation, and we’re on team Justin. Here are some of our theories as to why Justin is totally in the clear: 

10. He is a eunuch.

He can’t possibly be sexually active. He is identified as male, but his stature and his features could really be applied to any gender.

9. He’s part machine.

Justin Bieber has a computer heart. His chest cavity doesn’t contain a heart, but rather a specially designed machine that senses what teenage girls desire most, then turns into that thing.

8. Canadian people can’t get U.S. Citizens pregnant.

FACT: Justin Bieber is Canadian, the woman accusing him of fathering her child is American. It’s an unspoken truth that Canadians and people from the states cannot effectively breed.

7. Dat baby don’t even look like him, girl!

We heard, that baby look a lot like this other man from down the block that she used to f*ck wit!

6. He constantly wears protection.

Even when he’s not having sex. This is assuming that, possibly, we’re wrong about number ten. He always keeps his sword in its sheath.

5. His record label made him get a vasectome.

As part of his bajillion dollar record deal, his label make him get snipped, so as to avoid such a legal problem that an illegitimate child would cause.

4. Selena Gomez keeps Justin’s balls in her purse.

Sometimes that’s just what you’d say about a guy who lets his lady run the show, but in this case, it might be 100 percent fact.

3. Angels can’t have babies.

Justin Bieber might very well be an angel.

2. He said he wasn’t the father on twitter.

1. He’s made a deal with the devil.

This is a huge possibility. Maybe the dark angel himself visited Justin late one night, telling him that he could have all the fame and riches in the world, but would never know the touch of a woman. Since Bieb’s had never had the touch of a woman, he didn’t know what he was giving up.