Testing 6 Sexual Aphorisms

The world is full of all manner of sayings, each with a greater or lesser degree of pointlessness, meant to tell us something about something. Some are poignant, some are idiotic and some are about bumping uglies.  Let’s peruse some of the world’s favorite sexual aphorisms and sayings and put them to the test to see if they hold any water.  Or anything else that needs to be held.

The darker the berry the sweeter the juice

As it happens, Guinness has officially recognized the Carabao Mango as the sweetest fruit in the world and it’s as pissy yellow as you’d expect it to be, not particularly dark at all, so we’re starting with an extremely false premise about darkness and sweetness being related.  In fact, dark chocolate, dark roast coffee, squid ink, none of these things is particularly tasty on its own and certainly not sweet without some manner of addition.  Did it at least pan out sexually?  And is there a way to approach this without being racist and/or smacked?  Yes!  Let’s ask an adult actress (that’s porn star to you and me)!

Our friend Vanessa Blue assured us of the following on twitter and then we edited it so that you won’t get fired for reading it!

 Can’t argue with that.

Horny as a three-balled tomcat

Having more than two testicles is called polyorchidism.  It’s very rare with only about 100 cases being reported in humans. If you happened to spot this in a cat, not only do you have an eagle eye, but you probably just stumbled upon a pretty noteworthy oddity.

In human cases, that extra nut tends to cause some extra swelling, and it’s usually on the left side.  So you’ll be lopsided.  Or, in this case, the cat will.  And given the nature of a cat’s physiology, this will likely make it hard for the cat to sit or lay down comfortably, and certainly to run, lest all that motion jostle his uncomfortable nuttal condition.  And, being a tom, he’ll have to put in extra effort to find food since this will impact his ability to hunt, which means he’ll probably be a little logy and undernourished.  So realistically, a three-balled tom probably isn’t thinking about sex all that much at all.

Makin’ bacon

One of the most glamorous ways to describe intercourse, makin’ bacon evokes sexy images of fatty, salty pork.  However, it’s worth noting that to actually make bacon, you need to cut meat from the sides, back or belly of a pig.  You rub your cuts with a salt mixture to start the curing process and, after about a week of curing you wash the meat and hang it in a smoke house to dry then smoked for a day or two.  Now you can slice into strips or leave it as a slab.

If any of that turned you on, then there you go.

More cushion for the pushin’

Typically uttered in defense of the love of the larger partner, this aphorism seems to want to invoke Newton’s third law that every action is accompanied by a reaction of equal magnitude in the opposite direction.  Now it’s debatable whether, sexually speaking, that’s a good thing, but arguably all the force you’re laying down on that cushion is just coming right back at you, so it’s kind of like running up a down escalator.  Yeah, you could do it, but surely there’s an easier way.  We’ll stop now before it gets gross.

It’s not the size of the boat it’s the motion of the ocean

This is just dangerous talk though likely of small comfort to passengers of, say, the Titanic.  In point of fact, a larger boat is generally much safer than a smaller boat, as smaller boats will go much faster but weigh much less and are therefore quite a bit more unstable.  A larger boat is much better able to weather a storm and the motion of the aforementioned ocean.  So don’t feel bad, it’s just good nautical sense to go with a big boat.

Once you go black you’ll never go back

We asked one of our interns and he said this is untrue, you can keep going back and forth for as long as you can afford it.