Today I received word of the tumblr account Texts From Bennett from 6 different people. Everyone wanted to assure me it’s funny. And it is kind of funny, because Bennett seems like a bit of a slow coach while at the same time being something of a foul mouthed hip hop skid mark on the face of the world. Or maybe he’s just misunderstood, we’re only getting a small piece of Bennett here, after all.
Naturally we’re forced to wonder who Bennett is after reading his myriad, poorly written funny texts. Can we paint a picture of him based on this limited info? You bet your Bob Ross ass we can!
Starting from the top, Bennett has run afoul of a neighbor’s dog. But see here, Bennett is hopping fences. He has no time for casual walking about on streets.
Fact #1 – Bennett has no time to spare.
We also see thew kind of dog that attacked Bennett. A rockwilder. Related to the rottweiler, the Rockwilder is of bullshit origin and is known to be popular amongst illiterates. But how can Bennett be illiterate if he’s texting? Indeed.
Fact #2 – Bennett eschews correct spelling in favor of funnier spelling.
Here we see Bennett confusing Vince Vaughn with Vincent van Gogh, completely unprompted! Ha ha, you can’t make this stuff up! But herein lies another clue!
Fact #3 – Bennett is an art historian
Bennett, that churl, has watched the film Old School (no time to spell it right) and has mistaken Vince Vaughn for Vincent van Gogh. Now you may think, how would a knuckleheaded idiot who can’t spell mistake current actor Vince Vaughn for a Dutch painter who died in 1890 and not only that, but correctly reference Van Gogh’s self mutilation and the fact he then gifted the severed ear to a favorite prostitute? How indeed!
Fact #4 – Bennett cares about the homeless
Who is Bennett? We don’t know. But we’re learning.