You don’t know me. Why would you? But I, like millions of other people, know you. I don’t watch a lot of your show, or your network, for that matter. Don’t take it personally, but I usually confine my viewing habits to reruns of “Becker” and online pornography. But you’ve been around a while, so I see you now and again, running your mouth. And let’s not forget that whole luffa/vibrator/oral sex voicemail from a while back. That was pretty funny.
At any rate, I’m not here to dwell on the past. I’m here to look toward the future, a future where I buy your books and plaster my car with Bill O’Reilly bumper stickers. I’m talking about a future where I watch your show and go out of my way to buy the products that sponsor it. It will be a future where I stick up for you whenever one of my friends calls you an asshole. Why would I bother to all this for a man I previously couldn’t give two shits about? As the old saying goes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. The women of "The View" are my sworn enemies, which after today’s events, puts you squarely in my friends camp.
I’m not exactly sure what happened. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to know the details. All I do know is that I read the headline “Two Hosts Walk Off ‘The View’ During Argument With Bill O’Reilly,” and I wept for joy. The thought of those two cows (I saw it was Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg in the picture) being too upset to run their mouths warmed me to my soul. I haven’t been this happy since John Edwards got caught cheating, although the Brett Favre dick-pic thing came close. But this takes the cake.
As I said, I don’t know exactly what transpired. I’m sure you did something stupid, like call Barack Obama a secret Muslim communist, or maybe you accused homosexuals of supporting al-Qaeda. In my mind, I’d like to believe that you walked on the set and started making pig noises every time they opened their mouths. Or maybe you walked out and proceeded to urinate on the guest couch. I know it was nothing respectable like that, but as I said, at this point, I can care less. Even if I found out you told them we should bring back slavery so the slaves could build robots that round up Mexicans, I wouldn’t like it, but I’d get over it. Why? In the wise words of Jennifer Petkov, “because it burns (their) ass raw.”
In closing, I just want to thank you again for all you’ve done for this country, and for that matter, the world. If only more people in positions of power were like you, perhaps I wouldn’t have to live my life knowing there are four awful, misinformed women spewing non-sense to bored housewives on a daily basis, and getting paid millions of dollars to do it. True, many would say the same about your show, but for as awful as you may be, at least you weren’t in Theodore Rex.