I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know If your place of business has rewarded you with some kind of handsome financial bonus that allowed you to retire early so that you may fulfill your lifelong dream of setting sail on a large yacht purchased with pizza money, but I thank you, Genius That Invented Ordering Pizza Online. If Tesla and Edison were around today – well, if they were around today, they would be trying to stab each other repeatedly with wondrous, highly advanced stabbing tools they both claim to have invented and also claim that the other stole from them. But if Tesla and Edison were around today and they both could put their centuries-long feud aside for just two goddamn minuets, they would both look upon you, Genius That Invented Ordering Pizza Online, with the utmost respect and reverence. And it would be weird, because they would be praising a guy that created an internet-based, pizza-centric user interface while they are both clearly withholding the much more impressive discovery of ever-lasting life. What dicks.
Regardless, they would praise you in a way that no one today even has the decency to, because we peoples of the modern day are too jaded to fully appreciate the magnitude of your creation. In years past, when one wanted to place an order to a pizza establishment, one had to perform the arduous task of having to use a vocal cord-based communications device and, worse yet, actually communicate to a person that had the audacity to talk back. This person never picked up the phone and simply said “Pizza?”, in an attempt to reduce the amount of human-to-human communication. To which we would reply, “Pizza indeed”, and then thirty-minutes later you got pizza at your door. That never happened. We had to go through this big song and dance about toppings and addresses and prices and, eventually, Buffalo wings. You know better than I, Genius That Invented Ordering Pizza Online, that the songs we sung were out of key, and the dances were more interpretative and disjointed, and lacked the choreography they perhaps should have had to properly convey the idea of a large with extra cheese, half-pepperoni, half-mushrooms. Many times we would Jazz Hands when we should have Sashayed, and we got a small with no cheese, extra anchovies and pineapple husk. Not the pineapple meat. Prickly pineapple husk.
It was a mess.
But then you, fine sir of Flash-based wizardry, revolutionized the world with your drag-and-drop virtual pizza creating interface. As a person that has played video games for his entire life, I commend you for having clearly played countless hours of games in which the magical adventure cannot begin until you, the player, have created your own custom character, using the tools the creators of the game have laid out before you. While the rest of us uncreative-types recreated our own faces, or unintentionally made our characters look like Sloth from The Goonies just way more melty, you, fine sir, probably made a face that looked like a meat lovers. The game didn’t even allow for that! But, by god, did you do it!
It is because of you that I can now order a pizza via the website of the pizza establishment, completely overlooking the practice of bouncing my voice through telephone wires (a practice I still believe to be part fascinating, part satanic), and instead a use technology that allows me to create a pizza in the same way I created my version of Commander Shepard in Mass Effect. Whenever I am faced with a pizza building interface at a pizza establishment’s website I must constantly resist the urge to order an extra-large Elf Wizard with pepperoni. I always want to make sure my pizza has enough conjuration skill points. I have to actively convince myself that there’s just no way I can get a pizza that excels in acrobatics and is proficient with a blade, even if blades aren’t the pizza’s primary weapon. (It’s an enchanted bow). It is because of you that I want to prepare my pizza in the same way I prepare a warrior that will take on the seemingly insurmountable forces of evil that attempt to rule the land. Namely, with pepperoni and hot peppers with an order of crazy bread. Why crazy bread? BECAUSE IT IS WILDLY UNPREDICTABLE IN BATTLE!
I know my pizza will never be able to engage in conversation with townsfolk through dialog trees, and I know when I am done eating it there will be no climatic cut scene depicting my custom pizza slaying the final boss in dramatic and badass fashion. But you’ve made me want my pizza to do all that, Genius That Invented Ordering Pizza Online.
You’ve made me want a pizza that is both heroic and delicious…and that can never be. For that, I both love you and loath you, Genius That Invented Ordering Pizza Online. As such, I will always think fondly of you when I order a pizza online. But when I play video games, I will create a character with the face that I assume looks like yours, and I will haphazardly charge in to battle and get your face blown off.